


Breathe

by thosepreciouswalls



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU 6th year, Angst, Death Eaters, Friendship, Gen, Hogwarts, Hurt/Comfort, Keeping the facade, Second War with Voldemort, Spying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-14
Updated: 2014-08-14
Packaged: 2018-02-13 03:46:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 37,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2135841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thosepreciouswalls/pseuds/thosepreciouswalls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if spying is affecting Snape more than he lets on? What if Lupin finds out?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work was originally posted March 2010 to October 2013 on fanfiction.net, no revisions have been made before posting here.

AN: I was so happy about the nice reviews I got for my last fic that I decided to upload something else while I try to figure out if I should write another chapter for that or not.

Obviously I own nothing except my computer although I wish I had a mind as brilliant as Rowling's.

This is set during Harry's sixth year with Remus back at Hogwarts as defence teacher and Snape still teaching potions

.oOo.

Remus Lupin was beyond pissed, he just couldn't believe Snape could sink that low. Or well, he could actually, it still made him furious though. He literally saw red as he stalked down the empty corridors in search of the evil bastard. It was past curfew for the students and since that complete waste of space wasn't in his office Lupin guessed he was haunting the halls, looking for students to deduct an unreasonable amount of points from.

'Well, different folk, different strokes, we can't all take pleasure from the same things, now can we?' he thought bitterly as he turned yet another corner.

Coming back from being _sick_ for a few days, accidentally the exact days of the full moon, he had got to know today what Snape had found appropriate to lecture about: Werewolves, just like the lesson three years ago but since everyone knew of his condition by now the approach of the subject had been slightly different. Snape had managed to dig out several cases were werewolves committed horrible crimes while in their human form, leaving all of his students with the feeling that Remus was unstable and dangerous. Bloody hell that man was simply a disgrace for the human race, how could he do that?

Remus frankly was surprised Snape hadn't shouted out to the whole school "hey, your DADA teacher's a werewolf and he will rip your throats open in the middle of class". But he guessed the despicable mans twisted sense of honour kept him from stooping that low. No, trying to make rumours spread behind his back about him being untrustworthy and not safe were the Slytherin way to do it.

.oOo.

Severus Snape was walking the hallways aimlessly. He had never enjoyed sleeping all that much and seldom slept more than five hours a night, spending the undisturbed hours of tranquillity in his private laboratory working on some new potion. Then there were the nights like this one, when his rooms felt like a cage and he just couldn't stand being locked in there with his own thoughts. It was on these nights that he roamed the hallways.

He was on the third floor making a turn to the right - near the place where there had been a forbidden corridor some years previously - sneering at the thought of the groundkeeper, Hagrid, and his _adorable_ little beasts when he ran into one furious looking creature better known as Remus Lupin.

Before he found the time to react the potions master were grabbed by the collar and pushed roughly against the wall, the other man using his full strength to keep him there.

"Who do you think you are? Have you become so bitter and vengeful that you have to ruin the one thing in my life that's worth living for?" The werewolf just went on and on so Snape simply tuned him out, keeping a sneer on his face to show exactly how he felt about the tirade and knowing full well nothing would anger the other man more.

As he stood there he actually came to realise he felt uncomfortable - a feeling he strongly disliked since it was a sign of weakness. The sensation had not sprung from fear or worry, he was after all a Death Eather and compared to what he faced at each and everyone of those meeting the man in front of him now was no threat what so ever. No, what made him uncomfortable with the whole situation was the fact that he was pressed against a wall, _physically_. Another human's – or rather half-human's - arms were pressed against his torso and the whole despicable creature was standing well inside his private space. Snape didn't like it one bit.

Severus Snape didn't do physical contact, he just didn't. As for the students and staff at school they all knew better than to as much as brush against him when he was walking down the hallways. The students were scared shitless of him and as far as he knew, so were his colleagues. The only other context in which he figured was the meetings with the Dark Lord, and those pure-blood wizards would never stoop so low as to hurt someone the muggle way. Oh no, curses and sometimes even a few of his very own potions were the way to go.

"…just so jealous on James that you…" Lupin was still raging at him but Snape just kept the hateful sneer on his face, staring into the other mans eyes with a look that would make the first-years wet themselves.

As soon as Lupin stopped for breath the Death-Eather-gone-light cut him off, tired of their little game.

"Now if you excuse me, _werewolf_ " he put as much loathing as he possibly could into that single word, and being who he was that was quite a bit "I'm going to bed". He tore loose from the grip on his robes and stalked away with his black robes whirling around him before Lupin had time to say another word. Leaving the defence teacher behind in the dark corridor fuming over the fact that he hadn't manage to get to the stone-cold potions master in the least.

.oOo.

It was well after midnight almost a week after the night-time meeting with Lupin that Severus was trying to make his way undetected back to his rooms. He used as many shortcuts as possible and kept to the shadows the rest of the way, running into anyone - even one of the teachers - could be disastrous.

Sure a great deal of the staff knew of him being a spy among the ranks of the Dark Lord, but he still couldn't afford to be caught in the act of sneaking around looking like he did right now. He could imagine the look on Minerva's face should she see his torn robes stained with dirt and blood - his own blood that was, running from his nose down his face and splattering the black fabric – and he didn't like it one bit. He couldn't contain his hands from shaking with the after-effects of the Cruciatus but he made sure to walk steadily. In reality his legs were close to giving out under his weight, but the act may fool someone who watched him from a distance.

During the years as a spy Severus had got the habit to always make sure he was back in his rooms before allowing himself to let the guard down. No matter what state he was in once he arrived at the apparation point, he always dragged himself back to his rooms before allowing his consciousness to slip away.

Finally reaching his own private quarters he let out a relieved breath and muttered the incantations to let himself inside. Weakly pushing the door closed he leaned against the stone wall next to the door only to slide down to the floor almost immediately as his legs gave out.

Even though the evening had been lined with destruction and terror their master hadn't been happy afterwards, and as always when he was in such a mood he took it out on his servants. There were a stash of emergency potions close to the apparation point of which Snape had downed at least half when he got there. He would need to restock it tomorrow.

Potions or not, his body still ached all over. He was shivering slightly and more defined tremors broke through every now and then. There was no telling whether these were after-effects from the torture or if they were caused by the pictures that kept playing in his mind, probably a mixture of the two.

.oOo.

Remus Lupin was, once again, beyond pissed and it was, once again, because of a man named Severus Snape. As a matter of fact he hadn't really stopped being angry with the bastard after he had yelled at him in the hallway a while ago, but now that anger had flared up with renewed energy. Sure, he realised that it might not have been the most intelligent thing to do; lashing out at the man who was providing him with his Wolfsbane potion. He just hadn't expect Snape to be such a complete ass and not send him this months dosage. He needed to get that potion down in less than an hour or he would be a real danger to the school by the next full moon, didn't Snape see what was at risk?

For the Wolvesbane to work it needed to be taken every night for eleven nights before the full moon. It had something to do with arithmancy since eleven was a prime number but Remus had never understood the specifics. The inconvenient part was that the ingestion had to take place during the hours of the moon.

So it was that, at two o'clock in the night, the professor in Defense Against the Dark Arts was walking through the dungeons on his way to visit his colleague. He had retrieved the old marauders map from Harry so he knew Snape was currently in his living-room, no use for him trying to hide.

Remus rapped at the door to Snape's living quarters impatiently. There wasn't an answer so he rapped again, a little harder this time.

"I know you're in there" he announced to the dark wood, hoping there wasn't a silence spell in work. "Stop being such a stupid asshole and open the door, I've got to get that potion." In the end of the sentence he was pounding on the door with every syllable.

There was still no answer and Lupin was beginning to feel even angrier then before, something he wouldn't have thought possible seconds ago.

'Well screw this politeness' he thought 'I'm coming to get that potion no matter what he thinks.'

The werewolf did a quick magical scan of the door only to have it come up empty, weirdly enough. He knew there should be multiple layers of complicated magic to break through. The abhorrent man who lived here wasn't known for his trust in people.

Lupin hesitated for a split second as he reached for the doorknob, realising just about how enraged the man would be if he did this. Yet in the end his anger conquered over his sensibility and the prospect of destroying the other man's night made him reach out and twist the knob. As he found that the door weren't even locked the muggle way the queasy feeling in his stomach that had begun when he found no magical barriers grew to a rising worry, fighting the anger for dominance.

The wisp of air that came through the small crack in the door made Lupin recoil, closing the door and resting his forehead against it for a second. The air that had hit him had reeked of blood. Blood and pain and darkness so intense he nearly turned around and left. Lupin didn't want to do this, didn't want to know what had happened in there tonight. He was perfectly content to hate the man and leave it with that, but he couldn't. He knew for certain that if he turned his back on this and Snape turned up dead tomorrow he would never be able to forgive himself.

Taking a deep breath Remus once again turned the doorknob and opened the door. The sight that met Remus as he peeked into the room was not what he had been expecting. He had thought that the potion masters private living area would resemble his office and classroom but what met him was something else entirely. The floor was, in accordance with the rest of the castle, made of stone but this stone was darker than the common one, almost black with tiny specks of grey. The walls were covered in dark wood and a large forest green rug was placed underneath a strict looking sofa with two matching armchairs, all dressed in black leather.

Remus eyes swept over the large built-in bookcase and the fireplace, taking in the lack of personal items and more importantly; the lack of potion masters. He stepped into the room and closed the door behind him.

Halfway between the door and the corner of the room Remus eyes fell on a sight that he wished he could have turned his back to and forgot. Leaving now might make him dangerous when the full moon came around but he could go home to his house with the cage in the cellar. It would be worth the self inflicted wounds if it meant no one would find out about him seeing this.

The train of thought had moved far enough that he had already started opening the door before he pulled the breaks and closed it again. Snape might hate him for doing this but for all he knew the man could be seriously injured. He was after all laying curled up on the floor, his knees tightly drawn to his chest and seemingly unconscious.

As Remus stepped closer he could see dried blood and dirt on the mans robes and a rivulet of crimson trailing from his nose had painted Snape's lips unnaturally red against the pale face. The sight only made him more sure that he didn't want to know more about this, but it also made him very worried.

"Snape?" Remus tried softly, hoping for a response. The thought of calling for madam Pomfrey crossed his mind but he brushed it away for know. Severus would most likely never forgive him for walking in on this, there was no need to escalate the situation unnecessarily.

"Severus?" Remus hadn't even known he was about to use the man's first name until it left his tongue. The situation had somehow washed away all those forced formal rules that restrained their every-day interactions. Not that Snape seemed to have noticed anyhow

"Are you okay?" Remus almost laughed hearing himself say that, it was rather obvious that he wasn't _okay_. Remus crouched down beside him and said his name again, more urgently this time, but there was still no reaction. As desperation begun to set in he slowly reach out with a hand and touched Snape's arm, fearing both that he would react and that he wouldn't.

At the unexpected contact Severus jerked away, his eyes flying open as he sat up. "Don't touch me" he hissed glaring at the unwanted intruder, something that Remus found strangely reassuring.

"What are you doing here _werewolf_ , didn't those wretched excuses for parents ever teach you how to knock?" Severus spat as he used that wall for support while dragging himself upright.

"I needed my potion" Lupin said calmly, not taking the hook. Instead he felt immensely grateful that his colleague seemed to be at least somewhat alright. If he could both stand, glare and insult him then it couldn't be to bad.

"It's on my desk" the potions master nodded toward said location "take it and get out."

Remus walked over to the desk and downed the unsavoury content in four large gulps. When he turned back toward the door his eyes fell on the man next to it. He stood by himself know, the standard look of hatred firmly plastered on his features. Hadn't it been for the bloodied face and the ruined clothes Remus would have thought he had imagined Snape on the floor a minute earlier.

"Severus, are you… I mean, will you be okay?" Remus fought the urge to look away, instead looking into the man's dark menacing eyes. Snape sneered at the question.

"I didn't know werewolves had such a lousy hearing. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. Room. NOW!" he roared taking a threatening step towards Lupin who took an astonished second to absorb the fact that the potions master had just cussed. The surprise were abruptly cut of when Snape suddenly became yet a shade whiter and stumbled at the last word.

"Shit" he hissed as his legs no longer seemed unable to fight of the gravitation pulling him down. Before he realised he was going to do it Remus had taken the three steps over to his colleague and wrapped his arms around the man to ease him down.

At the contact Severus stiffened and his breath became shallow and quick as if he were close to panicking. Instead of letting him go once they were sitting on the floor Remus held on just a fraction tighter. He counted his own breaths and made it to fourteen while Snape slowly fell into the rhythm, his breathing evening out. The dark-haired man was shivering ever so slightly, just enough that Lupin could feel it but had been unable to see it earlier.

"It's okay to be weak sometimes you know, no one will look down on you for that" Remus said softly but Snape just snorted at the comment. Lupin couldn't help but wonder what had happened that had left the other man in this state, but he knew better than asking. It probably had something with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and Snape would definitely not appreciate Lupin snooping so he chose to stay silent.

"Please just go" Severus said as Remus had counted to five more breaths "get your hands off me and leave me alone." There were no longer any traces of anger in his voice, just a deep weariness.

Remus knew not to push the man, but he still let another eleven breaths pass before he let the man go and walked out of the room without a word. After closing the door he set up a few locking charms for security before making his way back up to his own living quarters.

Snape let out a relieved sight as the door closed behind his unwanted visitor, allowing his emotions to once again shine through his carefully designed armour. He closed his eyes, feeling slightly disturbed by the fact that Lupin had walked in on him like that, what kind of rumours would he spread now? But somewhere inside of him a small voice said that Lupin wouldn't tell anyone - the man was too bloody righteous and good for that - and deep down he knew that was most likely true.

Some time later, the still shivering man dragged his way over to the sofa. He felt more tired than he had been in a very long time. The sleep however was fitful and his dreams filled with anguished screams.

.oOo.

AN: I have several more chapters planned out. If anyone's interested just let me know and I'll update. Constructive criticism is much appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Hi everyone! I'm so happy for all the support you've given me. If I hadn't first fallen sick and then had to work like a madman I would have updated this earlier. Instead I'll try to get the next chapter up faster.

Someone pointed out that parts of my grammar needed some work and I do agree with that, but I don't know how to fix it. If anyone is interested in helping me beta to correct these things it that would be greatly appreciated.

.oOo.

Had anyone decided to go for a night-time walk through the dungeons of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry on a late October night 1996 they would have run into a unexpected sight. Luckily enough for Remus no one seemed inclined to go for such a walk and he could keep his post outside Snape's living quarters without having to hide.

The night was turning chilly and not even Lupin's warmest cloak could keep the icy fingers of the draft out so he cast a quick warming charm on his clothes. For a second he thought that a cushioning charm on the floor might help making him more comfortable but he dismissed it since he didn't want to fall asleep.

A few days after his last encounter with Snape Remus had gone to Harry and asked to borrow the Marauder's Map. The official reason had been that he wanted to see if he could make a second one, but what he really wished to do was keep an eye on the potions master. For almost two weeks he had been on school grounds every time Lupin had checked and then tonight he had suddenly been gone. Since his colleague weren't the kind to pop over to Hogsmede for a butterbeer and small talk, and since it was now almost two o'clock in the night, Remus could bet ten galleons that there was a Death Eater meeting going on.

After the night when Remus had found Severus bloody and shaking on the floor of his living room the balance between the two men had changed. For several days Snape hadn't tried to insult him in public once, in fact the man ignored him completely except for the occasional hateful glare shot his way. Remus guessed that the man was worried that the explosive blackmailing material he now had on him should be exposed at the slightest provocation. But when Remus showed no signs of even remembering the incident their relationship had soon gone back to it's normal hateful state. Yet no matter what he conveyed on the outside Remus could never forget that night.

Lupin had liked hating Snape, it was so much easier than this. He still hated his colleague - he thought - but now every time he saw the mean and condescending man another picture flickered across his eyes. It was as if there were two different Snapes, the one he had known since they were eleven and then the one he had sat with on the floor while he got his breathing back under control.

At least his dilemma might be solved for good tonight. Snape would most definitely waste no time to rip his throat wide open and then he wouldn't have to think at all any more.

Glancing down at his old map once again he saw that Severus was making his way back, having already got as far as the front doors. He wiped the map clean, put it in his pocket and stood up, waiting for the other man to show. He guessed he would still have a few minutes to live, it was good while it lasted.

When Severus Snape rounded the corner Lupin couldn't immediately pick up anything out of the ordinary, apart from the fact that Snape hadn't killed him yet. As the Death Eather discovered him he scowled, giving Remus a look that made him wish he hadn't come in the first place. Well, there was no backing down now. He was not about to lose this fight.

" _What_ are you doing here" the voice was like silk but the underlying threat was in plain view. "And don't try to blame it on another potion, you don't need them for another fifteen days, werewolf" the last word was as usual spoken with an icy air of insult.

"I…" Remus didn't know what to say "I just wanted to make sure you were alright" he finally blurted out, glancing at the furious man in front of him. Snape was obviously tense but that could very well be because he was trying so hard not to whip out his wand and kill the obnoxious idiot in front of him.

"And why, pray tell me, wouldn't I be fine?" Lupin didn't even dare to answer that question, instead he looked down at the floor. "Now get out of my face, before I curse you into next month, you have no right to be here" with the threat the man took a step toward the object of his anger.

Lupin couldn't help the gasp that escaped his lips as the other man moved. Where he had stood there was a puddle of dark crimson liquid on the floor. "You're bleeding" he stated softly.

"I'm quite aware of that myself, thank you. Now LEAVE!" was the hissed reply.

.oOo.

Snape wasn't a stupid man, he knew he had to get that foot of his bandaged real soon to stop the blood flow. There wasn't much longer until he would begin to feel the loss of the vital liquid, he'd been around enough times to tell. But tonight he couldn't just take a blood-replenishing potion since it would interact in a horrible way with the other potion in his system.

He just hadn't been composed enough when he was called earlier that evening. Thoughts had been tumbling around in his head like a herd of pixies that had been fed with sugar and his occlumency had been affected accordingly. In the end he had been forced to take the chance of downing a mild calming-draught, one of his own very secret concoctions that left no traces for anyone to find. Should his master discover that he needed potions to manage a meeting the consequences would be most dire, not to mention what would happen should he discover _why_ he needed them.

It was always a wild chance taking this potion though, so he did it as little as possible. The ingredients reacted badly with key elements of almost every pain and healing potion and Severus himself wasn't that good with medical charms. That meant that if there was any reason for his master to torture him on one of those nights he was in deep shit.

Tonight hadn't been that bad considering how it could have ended. Someone had overlooked a concealed gun carried by a muggle prisoner and the desperate man had tried to shoot his way out of captivity. A young girl who was a new recruit among the Death Eaters had been hit in the stomach but had been healed up quickly with a few potions. Unfortunately a ricocheting shrapnel had hit Severus in the foot but he had managed to hide the white hot pain that travelled up the length of his leg and got away without treatment.

The good news was that muggle wounds could be treated with muggle methods and he could deal with the pain, he was used to considerably worse. The bad news was that he needed his foot wrapped up right now and the annoying half human in front of him showed no signs of leaving.

Glaring at the man in front of him didn't seem to work and nor did threats so the wounded man was left with no choice. He could feel the giddiness starting to seep in as the blood kept draining from his body and his heart was beating fast to make up for the decreased blood volume. In the end he just gave Lupin one last hateful look before sweeping around and opening the door.

Remus reacted before his colleague had the time to close the door and pressed inside, seemingly a little surprised that the other man didn't literally kick him back out. Severus whipped out his wand and to his satisfaction the werewolf flinched. Had it been any other time he would have hexed the intruder but right now he didn't have the energy nor the time, instead he just accioed his first-aid kit.

The DADA teacher watched paralysed how his colleague sat down on his sofa and pulled his left shoe and sock of. The foot was a mess of blood with one nasty looking jagged wound in the middle but Severus had actually been expecting worse. Carefully he placed the foot on the table and slipped a pair of fresh white surgery gloves on his hands. With only the slightest of flinch he began prodding around in the wound.

"What are you doing?" Lupin asked, sounding as if he couldn't believe his eyes.

"I have to get the bullet out now, haven't I?" the question was only rhetorical.

"Why not got to Pomfrey for a potion? Or, I don't know, can't you like summon it? With Accio?"

Snape snorted at the question. "You think I couldn't give myself the potion were I able to take it?" The other man actually blushed faintly and shrugged.

"As for summoning it out, you'd have to use far more sophisticated spells than Accio, trust me you do not want to try that one." Finally managing to locate the offending piece of metal lodged in his foot Snape tried to get a hold of it. The bloodstream from his foot had grown due to the disturbance and he was beginning to get really light-headed.

Severus made sure to keep any signs of the pain away from his face or body language, he would have done so even if Lupin weren't there. Still he couldn't contain a slight shake in his hands that had set in once the adrenaline begun receding.

"Doesn't it hurt?" it had been a stupid question and as such, it got a stupid and sarcastic answer.

"Oh no, not at all, feels quite pleasantly actually, though I am a bit ticklish" Snape took the time to glare at the other man who at least had the decency to look ashamed.

When Severus a few seconds later managed to get a good grip of the bullet and pulled it out his hands were shaking pretty badly. The blood loss made him feel disconnected from the world, as if he were watching himself from the outside. To get the children safe cap off the bottle of antiseptics proved itself to be a challenge but it eventually co-operated and came away. Snape couldn't help a small hiss that escaped his lips as he poured it in the wound and wiped the excess blood away.

Since he could close the wound magically tomorrow there were no need for stitches. Instead the potions master carefully sealed the hole with surgical tape and brought out some gauze to cover it with a compression bandage.

Remus watched his colleague fumble with the gauze for a few seconds before stepping forward.

"Here" he carefully took the roll from the other man "let me do it." Snape didn't even protest so he guessed the other man was worse off than he had thought.

"How much blood have you lost?" he asked gently as he wrapped the foot with steady hands.

Severus shrugged "I don't know, pretty much but not enough to be lethal." The fact that the other man seemed to know pretty well where the line for 'lethal' went didn't pass Remus by.

While Remus put the finishing touches to the bandage Snape cleaned up the blood around them using cleaning spells but they were sloppily done. The question of why Snape didn't take blood-replenishing, healing or pain potions swirled around in Lupin's head but he kept it to himself. He figured the other man must have his reasons and would most definitely not like him snooping around for them.

Standing up he walked out the door to banish the bloodstains on the floor outside, there was no need to scare the students unnecessarily. Coming back inside he saw that the resident of the rooms was making his way over to what he guessed was the bedroom, limping and swaying a little as he walked slowly with one hand on the wall.

Moving up next to his enemy from the school-days Remus put his right arm around Severus' torso and manoeuvred his left arm over his own shoulders. The normally pale skin looked even more pallid than usual and it was cold and clammy to the touch.

"I can walk on my own, thank you" the man muttered grumpily trying to get away.

"I know you can, I'm not stupid, but since I'm here I might as well help" Remus answered matter-of-factly. The other man let out a sceptical grunt but allowed himself to be led down the hallway to the bedroom, another sign that not all was as it should be.

"You can leave now" Severus said the moment they reached the door, his voice betraying no feeling whatsoever "I can take it from here." He stepped away from Remus to lean against the doorframe instead.

Meeting the other mans eyes Remus tried to find the right way to say goodbye, the normal platitudes just didn't cut it. 'Take care' sounded ridiculous, even to him, and 'sleep well' or 'good night' both seemed a bit too ironical given the state of the man in front of him. In the end he said nothing, instead he reached out placing his hand on Severus upper arm for a few seconds. Giving it a small squeeze he turned around and walked back to his own rooms, taking away the bloodied footprints on the way.

.oOo.

Severus Snape didn't know whether to be pissed at the man who had waited outside of his door as he came home, or if he should be grateful for his help. He settled with a little bit of both, this night he couldn't have gone back to clean the blood from the hallway but he felt confident Lupin had already done so on his way home.

Alone in the darkness, slightly delirious from the blood loss and unbelievably tired, Snape could for once admit to himself that it had felt nice having someone who seemed to give a damn about whether he would live or die. It had been nice, but he had to end it.

The way that the softly spoken words about it being okay to be weak nearly scattered him a few weeks ago still had Severus petrified. He hadn't even been able to drive the man away, all his willpower had been bent on keeping him from breaking into thousands of minuscule razor sharp shards. Shards that would have left him bleeding to death right there on his living-room floor, encircled by the arms of his childhood enemy.

In Severus' world being weak was never okay. One moment of weakness was all it took for someone to bring him down in utter destruction and then he could no longer keep his work for the order up and running. Without the information he brought them the order would be severely emolliated and he would also loose his way to atone for his previous and future sins.

In many ways Severus Snape cherished the pain he suffered, it kept him alive feeding him the strength to keep his heart beating and allowing him to draw in air that would be black and poisonous coming back out. The pain was his punishment for all the terrible crimes he had committed, it was his redemption. Severus allowed the darkness to spin it's tight web around him, he even invited it, because he wanted to make sure he never forgot what a monster he really was.

Still in that very moment it didn't matter that he was a monster, nor that he didn't do physical contact. Even if he didn't like it Severus could tell that being able to feel the rhythm of another human's breathing was addictive. The feeling of someone else just being there, not shying away from all the dark things in his life, was so tranquillising he could barely stand it.

He wouldn't want Lupin as a lover, most definitely not, but it had felt so good to have someone around who held him close on nights like that. To have someone who would lend him the steady rhythm of their breath when his own seemed to have stopped working. He had gone so long without the need for human touch but it had felt so good and he despised himself for it.

This thing that was going on with Lupin had to stop, he would make sure of it. He didn't need it, and more importantly _he_ _didn't want it_.

.oOo.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Sorry for being so late with updating. My internet connection hasn't been doing that great but I'm at my parents place soon and then it should be fine. At that time I'll also answer to all the questions you've asked in your wonderful reviews.

.oOo.

When Snape got out of bed the next morning his blood-pressure was at about the same level as his ankles. The world blacked out for several seconds and he nearly fell over as the floor tottered beneath his feet. Grabbing his bedpost and bending over to get more blood to the brain he muttered some words that would have got any of the students a week worth of detention with Filch.

The blood-replenishing potion was out of the question for another, he looked at the clock, four hours and forty-five minutes, in ten he would have the first-year Huffelpuffs and Ravenclaws. It looked like there would be an unannounced test the first lesson today, he sure wouldn't be up for the act of anything more demanding.

The lesson went past slowly and Snape carefully made sure he didn't give away the fact that he nearly fainted when he stood up to hand out the tests. Unwilling to risk anything he opted to collect the papers with a flick of his wand at the end of class.

It wouldn't be until the end of lunch before the last remnants of the calming draught was gone from his system, even if the actual effect had worn off while Severus was asleep. For once luck was on his side though and it was Thursday which meant that he would have no more lessons before then. Unfortunately all teachers were required to attend lunch with the rest of the school's population.

Walking steadily and with the usual flare of his robes all the way up to the Great Hall proved to be quite a challenge even after the added hours of rest but Severus pulled it of. For as long as he could remember he had never been the kind to show others when he was hurt or injured and that skill had been honed to perfection during the years as a Death Eater. There was no slumped shoulders, hanging head or dragged feet to give away how he really felt.

No one noticed anything different with the potions master as they ate their lunch. He seemed to be in a terrible mood but that was how it was supposed to be. Only Lupin was throwing Snape thoughtful looks, obviously suspecting he was faking it, but Severus just glared at the man until he looked away.

When the required thirteen hours had passed Severus could finally take the eagerly awaited potion. He could feel the world coming back into focus and the limpness in his limbs ran away like rain on the top of a mountain. He made a decision not to take a healing potion for the foot, making sure that his body remembered how to heal itself could be useful one of these days.

.oOo.

Silently cursing himself for being stupid enough to hand out those tests the previous day Snape threw a disgusted look at the enormous pile of papers yet to be scrutinised. In between nearly fainting yesterday and spending all of his free time today correcting tests he hadn't even found the opportunity to hurt the werewolf deep enough that he wouldn't return.

His work were rudely interrupted when his left forearm unexpectedly caught fire. Cursing aloud this time he went to gather some potions, his mask and his Death Eater robes. Usually there were far longer between the calls than this. Usually he would be granted about a two weeks respite before being forced in to that hell again. But not this time, and that left him feeling rather worried.

It was still early in the evening but with some use of his well practised discretion he made it to the apparation point if not unseen than at least unnoticed. Changing into his slightly more sinister Death Eather outfit he grabbed his left arm and apparated.

The Severus Snape that appeared at Lord Voldemort´s side merely seconds later was not the same man that had entered the clearing in the woods. During those few seconds he had allowed himself to sink into full Death Eater mood, void of all feelings except a burning hatred, ready to face what the night had to offer.

Discreetly scanning his surroundings behind his mask Snape found no clues as to what was about to happen, everyone else seemed to be as much in the dark as he was, both metaphorically and literally. They were in some far-off part of the country standing in the middle of what he assumed to be a field lit with torches, a rather odd place compared to the hid away clearings or houses that were more commonly used.

"Tonight" his master spoke, interrupting Severus musings "are an occasion of great joy. Tonight I will initiate ten young warriors who wish to join in our fight for a better, stronger and more pure society."

The gathered circle consisting of – as of the last time Snape had counted – 32 men and women cheered at the prospect of such a grand enlargement. The face of their leader wore an expression that held most resemblance to the feral grin of a angered canine, raising a pale, slender hand he called for their silence.

"Let the games begin" he stated, the smile still graced his lips but his red eyes were as chilly as the arctic winter.

One by one the new additions to the group were brought by portkey into the middle of the circle, and for each of them the Dark Lord brought out a muggle. There were old and young ones, even children, men and women, and their screams filled the silent country side air, their blood covering the frozen ground with sheets of steaming red.

When the aspirants had caused damage enough for the snakelike beast in their midst to be content he would tell them to kill their victims and he gave them the mark. Burning it black into their left forearm for the infinite future he watched them fight the immense pain, daring anyone to scream.

Then somewhere around the middle of the incoming stream of recruits the pattern broke, a girl in her twentieth refused to scream, and her torturer was obviously becoming increasingly nervous. Having watched the imbecile try every trick he knew twice Voldemort got sick of seeing him fail. Hissing out a Crucio he directed it not at the muggle but at the incompetent wizard, and the man only manage to hold his own screams back for a seconds.

"Now _that's_ what I want to hear from the muggle" he said after letting up on the curse. "Allow me to give you an example, lets see. Severus, do you have anything entertaining to share with us?" He turned toward his potions master.

"Always My Lord" Snape replied humbly, stepping forward. "To whom do My Lord wish me to administer it?"

"Ah, let us start with the muggle. Show that good-for-nothing follower of mine what is for him to expect."

Severus stepped up to the woman who were lying on the blood-stained ground, he kicked her onto her back before bending down. She looked worse for wear and her dark hair was matted with blood, but her eyes were glaring defiantly at the man next to her.

Without hesitating for a second Snape forced her jaws open and poured a thick yellow liquid in her mouth, forcing her to swallow it. Merely seconds later she began to scream.

"Now that's one I haven't seen for quiet some time" He-who-almost-no-one-dared-to-name was clearly amused by the choice.

Bowing to his master Snape went back to his spot in the circle. The potion he had given to the girl was one of the worst he had, but this was no night for half measures. While drunken it would disintegrate the mucous of her stomach making the hydrochloride acid to leak out and join her bloodstream. The potion would then keep the victim alive for the time it took for the acidic blood to completely dissolve her body. Needless to say it was a slow and extremely excruciating way to die.

After torturing the worthless man himself Voldemort finished him off with the killing curse, he was not worthy of the honour the others would receive. Sure he could occasionally overlook a mistake like that among the ranks of his army, but since this man was not yet a part of that army he wasn't pardoned.

For an example the dead body of the wizard was left laying in the middle of the circle. Seeing what had happened to their comrade all of the others that were to be initiated made sure that their pray screamed. The Dark Lord gave them all their marks, very pleased indeed to have increased his forces with nine new talents that would follow his every command.

.oOo.

Remus was once again waiting outside Snape's quarters, impatiently scanning the edges of the marauders map. The dungeons was damp and cold and every breath came out as a white cloud of frozen water. He knew he shouldn't be there, that if Snape was not injured this time he would be in for a world of trouble but he couldn't bring himself to care. Because if Snape was hurt he might need help and Remus couldn't turn a blind eye to that, no matter how he tried.

It was no longer than two days ago that he had last sat in the same spot, waiting for the same man to show. The picture of his colleague digging around in his own foot was still on display on the back of Remus' eyelids and he couldn't get it to go away. There hadn't been a single sign of pain from the other man yet Remus was sure he hadn't been on any painkillers, if he had there would have been no tensing and ragged intake of air as he poured antiseptics in the wound. Had it been anyone one else who had done that they would have screamed their head off but not Severus, what didn't that insinuate?

When the dot finally appeared on the map Remus was relieved to see that it was moving at normal speed. He figured that would probably rule any serious injury out, at least of the physical kind he added as a fleeting image of a shivering man passed his eyes.

A split second after Snape turned the corner Remus was already having second thoughts about the whole venture. After another second he realised that he really shouldn't have been there at all. The man that stalked towards him seemed mighty furious at finding him there and not in the tiniest bit injured.

Remus didn't even find the time to draw more than a shallow breath before Snape whipped out his wand and threw him into the wall. Pain flared through his back and head and he couldn't help a small gasp from pain and surprise as he struggled fiercely against the force that was pinning him to the wall. This was not looking very good.

"I believe I made it pretty clear just two days ago that you are not welcome here" Snape hissed and flickered his wand so that Remus smashed into the wall once again.

"You should consider yourself _extremely_ lucky that we are after all at Hogwarts or I would have cast the Cruciatus on you a long time ago, and _do_ trust me, I'm rather good at that particular curse." Remus couldn't believe Snape said that, couldn't believe he had just threatened to use an unforgivable on him. Anger flared through his vein and before he could stop himself he had already retorted.

"Well, I'm horribly sorry for wanting to know that you would after all live through the night" he threw at the man.

"Trying to be the hero of the day are we now?" Snape sneered. "Let me make something perfectly clear to you: I" he spitted out slamming Remus into the wall "Am" once more into the wall "Able" yet again "To. Take. Care. Of. My. Self. Thank. You."

At the end of the sentence Remus' body felt like he had been hit by a train and his vision was swimming dizzyingly. He was scared as well, really scared, because never in all their years had he seen Snape loose control like this. No matter how mean, or even outright evil, tones the man used to take Remus had never seen him like this. Never seen the parts of his classmate and colleague that didn't hesitate to slam someone into a wall repeatedly and who could kill you without batting an eyelash.

Remus opened his mouth to say something, to make him see reason, but he was cut of before he could begin.

"Now you think really hard about what you were about to say. And please, do keep in mind that should I, for example, by accident put the aconite in just a second to late making next months potion for you, you will be in more pain during the transformation then you ever thought possible."

The thought of Snape deliberately making mistakes with his Wolfsbane potion made Remus' stomach flip anxiously. He sure knew enough about his craft to be able to place Remus inches from going insane with pain without allowing him to become a full fledged werewolf. Giving it another thought he realised that at the moment Snape probably wouldn't even care to keep him sane, nor alive for that matters.

Against those odds Remus chose to keep his mouth shut, not wanting to risk making things worse than they already were. Snape seemed to understand that he wouldn't say anything so he continued.

"It's my strongest advise that you don't come back here, ever again. Understood?" Remus just nodded, not trusting his voice not to shiver.

Snape turned around allowing his robes to swirl in his characteristic way and stalked through his door. When he slammed it shut the force that kept Remus against the wall faded away and he sagged to the floor. His entire body hurt profusely.

He took a few deep breaths as he tried to understand what just happened, why Snape reacted so violently. Not getting anywhere with that he drew himself upright and started making his way back to his rooms, head pounding with every single step.

.oOo.

In the beginning Dumbledore had wanted to get the information from his spy in person each and every time. Severus however had quickly shot down that idea with the reasonable logic that it wouldn't be wise for them to meet in the direct vicinity of the Dark Lord's gatherings. There were never any guaranties that their meetings would pass undiscovered and it wouldn't look good to the Dark Lord who still believed that Severus was his spy.

Instead they had developed a system where they each had a perfectly innocent-looking compartment in their desk drawers. Any document laid within said compartment would be instantly copied to appear in it's corresponding half, thus making reports easily delivered in a relatively safe way. This system also had the advantage that Severus didn't have to meet anyone on the night of a meeting, not that he told Dumbledore about that reason.

At the night of the initiations of the nine new Death Eaters Snape wrote a brief but detailed report to Dumbledore, including everything he could come up with that could help identify their new enemies. The wall of hatred that kept the nights events from fully reaching his conscious mind was still firm in place, allowing him to fulfil his duties towards the order. The headmaster needed to know this immediately and could not be neglected for something as insignificant as emotions.

When Snape closed the drawer to send the document he no longer had any obligations left, and as the urgent need for it disappeared so did the spiteful feelings themselves. He could feel them leaking out of his pores like a black foul smelling potion and no matter how hard he tried to cling to them his efforts was in vain, they always were.

As the anger and hatred ebbed away their previous territories became the habitat of an altogether different set of emotions. Agony and terror slipped in with every breath and Severus could feel the bile rising in his throat as the events of the night finally caught up with him.

Running to the bathroom the potions master sunk to the floor in front of the toilet and threw up violently, the smell of stomach acid sharp in the air as he had emptied his stomach but kept dry-heaving. When it finally stopped he lowered his forehead to rest on the cool and soothing porcelain seat closing his eyes.

Severus couldn't believe what he had just done. How he had kept banging Lupin into the wall and more importantly how he had let his dangerous side loose in the school. He could have hurt, or even killed, someone tonight. The only thing that had kept him from crucioing Lupin had been self-preservation. Merlin knows he had wanted to do it, wanted to hear Lupin scream until his voice broke and then stop just inches away from insanity only to be able to do it again.

He violently wretched his thoughts away from that direction, to afraid of where it might lead do dare to venture down that road. Instead Severus ended up once again staring into defiant brown eyes, force-feeding the girl a potion he would prefer to forget.

The potions had been one of his own inventions, and once it had made him incredibly proud of himself. He had created something that caused endless pain and irrevocable damage, even if you administered the antidote before the victim died. Since the day he had laid himself at the feet of a certain old headmaster Severus hadn't used this potion once, not until today.

Having to cause a great deal of pain had been inescapable tonight but Snape had killed her and that wasn't. She would only have died by the hands of someone else, that's for sure, but at least then it wouldn't be more blood on his.

The last thought made Snape open his eyes, needing to know whether his hand were really covered in the vital crimson liquid. At first sight they were, the blood old, brown and scaly in some places and deep red in other, drops forming and falling to the floor. He closed his eyes again and felt his stomach turn.

After several deep breaths Severus dared another look and found his hands back to normal, the slender fingers covered in nothing but skin. The acidic smell from the toilet was doing nothing to help the nausea so he flushed it down and turned around to lean against the wall.

Since the back of his eyelids showed nothing but horrors Snape kept his eyes open, staring at the stone tiles in front of him. It wouldn't stop the memories though, and they passed through his head like a slideshow from hell.

The first time he had ever used that potion he had been seventeen and had only been a Death Eater for two months. He had just discovered it and found it hilarious to watch the destruction he was able to create. The feeling of power had been intoxicating and he remembered his pride as the Dark Lord had congratulated him for having created something like that. Now almost twenty years later he wanted to throw up again just from the memory, but his stomach was as empty as it could be.

There was no chance of escaping the monstrosities of the makeshift cinema but Severus remained stoic. He forced his body not to tremble and fought down the impulses to shake his head and to beg and scream. Instead he put up a blank mask and made sure that if he couldn't feel composed on the inside then he could at least look it on the outside, it was the only thing that gave him some sense of control.

The method worked for a while until he felt his heart rushing for no apparent reason breaking the pattern. He tried to take calm deep breaths but his throat constricted making him gasp for oxygen like an fish out of the water. Agony and something akin to panic coursed through Severus' veins and he figured that this was it, he would die from suffocation right there on his bathroom floor. In the end he realised he didn't care all that much, finding it nice to finally be done with it.

It could have been minutes and it could have been hours that Severus sat there, watching his most horrible crimes and fighting for every molecule of oxygen that passed through his system, but in the end it eased up and he could breath again. A part of him was disappointed that he made it but he knew that he was still needed, that he still had things to atone for. In the end he fell asleep only to be woken a few minutes later from his own screaming. When his alarm went of at seven thirty Severus figured he couldn't have slept more than an hour and he felt like hell.

.oOo.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

AN: I AM SO SORRY! I really meant to update sooner but absolutely nothing has been going my way lately so real life has taken all my energy. To make matters worse this chapter is way to short, but now I'm writing again and I wanted to post something to show you that THIS IS NOT ABANDONED nor will it ever be. I have most of it planned out already I just need the time and energy to write. I've felt bad for everyone I know is waiting for more of this so please accept my apologies, especially for the extremely short chapter.

Your reviews is what keep me going.

.oOo.

When Remus woke the next morning his body felt like it had been mauled by a steamroller. Every breath hurt and the light filtering in through his curtains made his head scream in agony. For a few seconds he thought about calling Poppy but dismissed it. She would want to know what had happened, and at the moment owing up to getting beaten by Snape wasn't on Remus list of things he wanted to do. He was not going to give the man the pleasure of knowing how much pain he had caused, and Poppy would definitely rip into Snape about it.

If he could just get the migraine to subside Remus figured he would be able to go about with his day, unfortunately that meant that he had to get to the bathroom. Just sitting up made his head throb in protest but Remus gritted his teeth together. Using slow, careful movements to not jostle his head unnecessarily he stood up and began walking, every step sprouting pain up through his body that reached full bloom in his head.

During the minute it took for the pain reliever to work it's magic Remus stood with his forehead pressed against the sweet coolness of the bathroom wall. He felt disappointed when he thoughts about the events that had transpired the previous night, even if he wasn't overly surprised. He had just been trying to help for Merlin's sake, and how had the git thanked him?

.oOo.

Ten to eight Severus closed his door behind him and set off towards the Great Hall for breakfast. An ice cold shower had shocked him back into the real world and he now had a part to play. Ill-tempered and vicious came as naturally to him as breathing these days, but it wouldn't cut it this morning. It was after all supposed to be a joyful day due to the great enlargement of the dark forces. Today he should be pleased by the Death Eaters supremacy for the Slytherin students to see, yet half-heartedly masking it with disdain for them to think he was hiding his real feelings.

It would be a fine balance to make it work properly, seeming to convince both sides that he was with them. While the Death Eater minions needed to be able see both layers of deception the deepest one had to be extremely subtle, otherwise Dumbledore's trust in him might be questioned. He had to make it obvious that he was a Death Eater who was pretending to be a member of the Order. Never ever was it supposed to be the other way around, not even when only order members were in attendance, the light side was a far better enemy to have.

Adjusting his body language Severus let a light spring into his step as he stalked down the corridor. His usual frown was in place but he left some of the minor muscles in his face relaxed to give it a slightly softer look. It was lucky that in general the Slytherins were the observant ones, and as such would pick up on the changes, while the Gryffindor population were easily kept in the dark.

As per usual Severus swept through the large room without a glance to the sides, not letting on that he was paying close attention to the gathered crowd. It was what people would call a nice day, clouds thin as silk softening the sunlight streaming from the enchanted ceiling. Difficult conditions indeed since it would make facial features stand out clearly, every line highlighted with treacherous shadows. But Severus was after all a master, not only of potions but also of deceptions, and he could pull his act off in any conditions. His life depended on it.

Just as Severus took a third bite of his scrambled eggs Lupin walked into the hall. Covertly studying him Severus found his colleague looking distinctly uncomfortable, maybe even vary, when he realised the only free seats were the two directly to the left of Snape. Severus was actually quite surprised the werewolf didn't have Pomfrey tailing him, ready to make a scene about beating up colleagues. Maybe she was held up by something and would come after him later.

However, the absence of matron was quickly explained in a clear and devastating way. The slight stiffing when Lupin's back hit the chair was all Severus needed to know that the man's injuries had been left unattended. Most likely the pain had been dulled down by a regular pain potion but any jarring of his injuries should still cause pain, at least if the werewolf didn't stock any of the stronger stuff. It seemed weird that Remus would leave it like that, but maybe he didn't want to own up to the defeat.

Regardless the reasoning behind Lupin's choice it seemed inconsequential at the moment, what was important was that he was in _pain_. Severus had done this to him and he felt like screaming at himself for it, or do like Malfoy's house elf and run headfirst into a wall. Or, maybe most of all, he wanted to return to his room where he stocked plenty of bruising salve that would heal the injuries in a matter of seconds.

Internally shaking his head Severus waved away the last thoughts, pretending they had never flown past his mind. Lupin had just got what he was asking for! It had served him right and if he choose to live with the pain that was as it should be.

Lupin was a filthy Gryffindor scumbag, as he had proved time and time again. He was also a werewolf which made him a threat to everyone's safety. Whatever kind of harebrained plan he had going on it was a sure way to disaster and Severus would have no part in it.

Meticulously placing his knife and fork at four o'clock on the plate Severus rose from his chair, the action causing Lupin to whip his head around and look at him. The smile that graced Severus' lips as their eyes met was nothing short of sinister and to his great joy Lupin diverted his eyes.

"Pleasant morning, isn't it Lupin?" The sweetness in Severus voice was so false it was oozing aspartame.

.oOo.

Snape had swept out of the Great Hall well before Remus had managed to come up with an answer. For the first time in his life Remus had finally managed to see the truth for what it was. Snape was a Death Eater. The intimidating persona was more than a show, Snape could - and would - hurt anyone not following his rules. Which team, if any, the spy was playing for didn't matter when it came to personal matters, and this had become way to personal.

It took nearly a week for Remus' wariness around his colleague to subside and for their hateful repartee to start again. A lesser man might have said that Remus was scared during that week but he refused to see it like that, he was not fearing Snivellus. But still, a few days of wariness around the man only seemed sound considering their history.

For weeks they used every chance they got to rip into each other, Remus being as bad as Severus which was unusual. In the end Dumbledore had tried to ask Remus what had happened, why they were so angry with each other all of a sudden, but Remus had curtly informed his boss that nothing of value had transpired and that he wouldn't stop until Snivellus did. The disappointment in the headmaster's eyes would have made Remus feel incredibly guilty if he wasn't so busy being furious with Snape.

Yet during all that time a small voice in the back of Remus' mind whispered that maybe his colleague had just been lashing out, trying to push Remus away before he got to close. Snape wasn't the kind of person who accepted help, nor wanted it if Remus knew anything about him. The world as Snape knew it wouldn't contain such a thing as helping and caring if there weren't an ulterior motive.

However that tiny voice of reason was drenched by the anger that was screaming at him in a voice not unlike those of James and Sirius. Snivellus had hurt him! He had tricked him into starting to care and then used it as an excuse to harm him.

As it were they managed to hold the feud going for almost two months with never decreasing energy. Snape was still providing the Wolvesbane, via house elf delivery, and although being worried at first Remus soon found it free from tampering. Apparently his reputation in his field of mastery mattered more to the potions teacher than injuring his childhood enemy.

It was just over two weeks before Christmas and nine days before the full moon that everything went pear shaped. Remus was taking a Thursday evening meandering through the busy streets of muggle London in pursuit of a Christmas gift. He had already bought most of the few gifts he wished (or felt obligated) to give but he still had to find something for Harry. On a whim he had felt that he wanted something muggle, something that the boy would be allowed to keep during summer, and having lived for several years in the real world Remus had no qualms about dealing with their crowded shops.

Maybe he should have been more careful, but in the throng of unconcerned gift shoppers, under a black sky that showered down light curtains of snowflakes, it was almost impossible to think of war.

.oOo.

TBC

PS: Next chapter will be longer, I promise.


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Hi everybody! Finally an update, and yes: I will stand by my word and finish this, even if I can't promise to update regularly. I'm working on a farm this summer and technically have the time to write in the evenings but most days I'm so tired it's hard to find the motivation. So please review and tell me you are out there reading this, it don't have to be long thoughtful and constructive things (although those are very much appreciated), just tell me if I'm on the right track here or not. I might have most of this story planned out in my mind but that don't mean that I won't at least listen to and think about your ideas or wishes for what should happen.

.oOo.

Apparating in to see the prone body in the middle of their circle almost caused Snape to break his cover. It was a miraculous feat to turn his screaming emotions into a more appropriate mix of disgust and happiness but he made it, probably because that was Lupin's only chance.

When the Dark Lord started talking it at least provided Severus with a reason to pry his gaze away from his beaten colleague. The words seemed to wash over him like water over an Impervius charm, sliding off before they could penetrate his conscious mind. It was foolish not to listen, Severus knew that, but there was nothing he could do. All his concentration was used to keep his appearances and thoughts from getting him killed straight away.

From what he had been able to gather it had been a coincident that had caused Remus' capture. The new recruits had been sent on a surprise attack on muggle gift shoppers but had come home with a far greater prize. New Death Eaters were always tested like that before being allowed into real missions. One or maybe two seniors would be monitoring the exercise, picking out good and bad fighters, who was showing initiative and who was reluctant.

During the first three months in the Dark Lords ranks everyone was thoroughly tested, whether they realised it or not. Their lives were dissected with deadly precision, their skills evaluated, and their minds mapped out in finer detail than the average military used chart. Anyone who's intentions weren't one hundred percent dedicated were wiped out of existence. No spy had ever made it through those first months, and that was what made Severus so valuable – he had started out pure.

At the moment he didn't feel anywhere near pure though, yet he needed to get back to being a loyal servant, and he needed to do it now. It didn't matter that Lupin was passed out on the floor only a few feet away, blood clotting in his hair and the left ankle clearly broken. If Severus didn't pull his act together now he himself would be worse of, and Remus would be lost.

Restructuring his mind took more than twice the time it used to do, and even then he couldn't manage to feel happy about their prisoner. At least now he could hope to look into the eyes of his master without giving it all away, and he was able to focus on what was being said.

"The werewolf is not to be harmed at this time." The Dark Lord declared to his followers. "I want him in good shape for the full moon. Yaxley, bring him down to the dungeons. Snape, I need a word. The rest is dismissed."

When the echoes of the apparations faded away in the chamber, and the door had slammed shut resolutely behind Yaxley and his levitated charge, Severus turned around to face his master. He kept his head bowed and his eyes respectfully lingering no higher than on the feet of the Dark Lord. For the first time that night he felt back in his game, his mind calm and his body aware of every muscle.

"My lord." He didn't phase it as a questions, those were never appreciated. Instead he used the words as a token of respect, giving his master his life to handle as he wished.

"Severus," the use of his first name was a good sign, it meant he could probably look the Dark Lord in the eye like an equal. At least he could raise his head. "Tell me, how is your position among the Order of the Phoenix?"

"Not perfect my lord. They are desperate enough to accept my presence but they hold no trust for me still." It was as true as it could be, no need to lie.

"I want to use this situation with their pet werewolf to strengthen the Order's beliefs in you."

"Yes my lord. I will go straight to Dumbledore with the… upsetting" his irony was clear "news of the capture. I will off course be most distressed that there is nothing to do but for me to watch him die." A small smile played on Severus lips at that and he met the Dark Lord's crimson gaze to show that he wished to be there for that occasion.

"Oh, but Severus, there will be something you can do. You see, after I've had my fun during the full moon there will be a breach in the security, and you will use it." It was not said but the rest stood written clearly in between them. Snape would have to convince the Order that the rescue were legit, that he did it fearing for his own life. If he managed it it should help him gain more of their trust, if he failed the consequences would be most dire.

The potions master smiled in appreciation of the brilliant plan and bowed before his master. "Very clever my lord, the fools will never catch up."

"You may leave," was the Dark Lord's only response. Severus bowed once more for good measure before he retreated from the room and apparated back to Hogwarts.

.oOo.

Dumbledore listened to the résumé with a stoic calm that managed to surprise Severus. Not that he himself showed any sign of the turmoil twisting in his stomach, but then he was the spy, wasn't he?

It wasn't that Dumbledore didn't worry about the unsuspected situation, that it didn't affect him, Snape could see that clearly. Yet he managed to wait patiently while Severus spoke, only to let silence fall over his office at the end of the story.

Severus, who had already thought the situation through, looked around the familiar room. He had never been able to decide if he liked it or not. The way the important historical artefacts were mixed up with more private memories had always appealed to him, like the paperweight in the form of a childish dragon sitting on the ancient desk bearing the Hogwarts crest. On the other hand the room had the portraits who just moments ago were unabashedly listening in on their conversation. There was after all a reason why Severus kept his walls empty, he did not enjoy being watched and then whispered about when he weren't around, he had enough of that already.

"We should call together a full order meeting about this, they need to know about Remus. The question is whether to tell them about your orders or if it's best left out." Dumbledore sought out Severus eyes and he answered without a second's hesitation.

"Don't tell them. Most of them couldn't act if their own lives depended on it, if it's mine they won't bother to try."

"I think you are wrong: They would try. However you are probably right when you say some can't pull it off, it's better if their reactions are real." Severus ignored the first part of Albus response and focused on the part were the headmaster agreed with him.

"It does leave us with two problems," Severus said. "What happens if it don't succeed? And what happens if it does?"

Severus studied the headmaster for a few seconds but the man avoided meeting his pointed gaze. Getting no answer he decided to spell it out properly to the bespectacled man.

"Either you loose me, and as such your only insight into the inner circle, or I live and are expected to bring more and better information to the Dark Lord." He felt unnaturally calm as he spoke about it, but then he had gone over this in his head so many times already. It was really 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' and Severus would have no say whatsoever over the outcome.

"Severus…" The elder man looked tired, lost almost, but something in Snape's eyes must have told him he didn't want to hear it because Dumbledore sighed and changed track. "We'll just cross that bridge when we come to it."

Silence reigned for a few seconds before Dumbledore spoke again. "I'll call the meeting together, be back here in an hour." Severus raised a single eyebrow in an unsaid question. "We had a small accident at the headquarter. The Weasley twins were researching a new product for me and, well, let's just say that we haven't been able to sort it out just yet." For a brief second the laughter was back in the headmasters eyes, but it died away quickly.

"See you in an hour?"

"In an hour" Severus responded, then stood up and left the room.

.oOo.

Severus settled down for the wait with a huge cup of tea that he had ordered from the kitchen. Not that he particularly enjoyed drinking the beverage, but he could use the distraction. The warmth of the slightly coloured liquid spread pleasantly through the porcelain from where it transferred to his hands and chest, and the camomile scented steam was soothing to inhale.

In an hour he would be playing a deadly game of charade with the gathered Order of the Phoenix, but first Severus needed to sort his mind out. He had no idea what to think about the messy situation he had suddenly found himself in, having to make the Order trust him if he wished to survive. Severus didn't want their trust, and certainly not like this. It was far easier when they just minded their own business and let him do his job.

Hadn't it been Lupin laying chained in that dreary dungeon cell Severus would almost have wished them to succumb to their injuries, almost. At least then this whole ordeal would be over, there would be no one to save and no trust to gain. But it _was_ Remus laying down there, and with every fibre of his being Severus wished he would make it out okay.

The secret plans that the Dark Lord held for the prisoner chilled Snape to the bone, no matter how hot the fire burned on the grate just a few feet in front of him. Plans that involved a moderately healthy werewolf during full moon could be nothing but bad news.

Step by step the occlumence started to lock all the thoughts of insecurity, fear, and hopelessness away, and it worked just like every time before. The process left him feeling hollow, like he would fall into himself to never come back if the chair and the teacup weren't there to ground him. He wasn't sure if it really were any better than the feelings he had tried to escape, but at least like this he didn't have to think.

Severus didn't know how long he had been staring blindly at the fire when he felt a drop of blood make it's way down the inside of his nose, it was a long time since he learnt to feel the fine difference between nosebleed and snot. Ever since he was a kid Severus could remember the nosebleeds, sometimes it was far in between, maybe months, sometimes he had them more than once a day for long periods, most of the times there were no apparent reason. When the second war had started he had realised they had been gone for years, but they were back soon enough.

In the beginning he had tried to stop the blood flow with magic but it hadn't worked very well. The only thing he could achieve was to block the passage out of his nostrils, forcing the blood to go the other way through his throat ending up in his stomach. Swallowing large amounts of blood always made him slightly nauseous, not to mention had him spitting blood for hours, so he preferred to let it stop by itself.

Not able to master the energy needed to retreat to his bathroom Severus let the blood find it's way down his face. It paused for a moment, pooling between his lips and leaving him with the taste of iron, before more red claimed it's resting place and it continued down his chin.

Having never really planned to drink the tea anyway Severus let the blood drop fall into his teacup. The way blood acted when it fell into water still amazed him, spreading out into blossoming flowers rich with petals before slowly dissolving, leaving nothing but a red tinge behind. The blood flow was low tonight, each flower was almost gone before another took it's place, on a bad day he could have six or seven of the little flowers at once.

When the alarm for the meeting went off about ten minutes later the only change was to the colour of Snape's tea. Casting two charms he blocked off the blood flow from view and cleaned up the traces before setting off. He would most likely be a few minutes late but that should guarantee that they could start right away. Severus wanted this meeting over with as quickly as possible, but he had no inclination to be there for the initial chit-chat.

The meeting ended up taking what little was left of the night, adjourning just before breakfast. Just as Severus had thought he spent most of the time shooting down more or less stupid suggestions of how to get Lupin back, all the while being suspected for sabotaging. All his objection were, in fact, perfectly valuable and none of their plans had a snowball's chance in hell of success but that was apparently beside the point.

Through most of the convocation Severus felt like he was inhaling blood every time he took a breath through his nose, and he couldn't help but wonder what the repercussions would be should he spit the liquid all over Moody's robes.

.oOo.

The next days passed by at the same time agonisingly slowly, where Severus was aware of every intake of the stale dungeon air that Lupin breathed, and devastatingly fast, the full moon approaching at neck-breaking speed. At some point during the timeless wait Severus was ordered to deliver a bone-healing potion to the Dark Lord, but it wasn't confirmed it was for Lupin and no questions could be asked.

Luckily for Severus the full moon would rise on a Saturday evening, and he had the whole day leading up to it to prepare. It took him almost an hour after breakfast to even motivate himself adequately for the task ahead, telling himself that this was his - and by extension many others, including Lupin's - only chance of survival. It still felt horrible, preparing to go and enjoy what might be the end of his colleague, and would most definitely be the end of someone.

For seven hours and forty-three minutes Snape worked on locking away parts of his mind and feelings, not only from view but also from himself, all the while bringing other, darker, sides out. He would usually never go so deep, delving so far into his old persona as he did for tonight.

Normally such a complete transformation wasn't needed, he could keep his emotions reigned in and his act perfected anyway, but there could be no acting tonight. For one he wasn't certain that he could fake the proper reactions for what was to become of his childhood enemy, for the other he was certain that the Dark Lords would be watching even more closely for signs of traitors tonight. As Severus was ordered to live amongst the light side he could count on being scrutinised more thoroughly than the rest, and no act was ever flawless.

It was a huge risk to take, going back so completely to his old self, and that was what had made Severus hesitate. In many ways his old life had been easy, caring for no one but himself and serving a man idolised. He used to love the thrill of power when he vented his anger on the unfortunate, and even if it made him feel sick when he remembered it these days he was afraid of feeling like that again. He was afraid that when he tasted the simplicity he might not be able to go back to the harsh and complicated mess his life had become.

.oOo.

When the eagerly awaited burn set in Severus Snape felt almost giddy. This was it, if he ever were to get revenge for his near-death experience with the werewolf this was when it happened. Feverishly hoping that Potter and Black would be watching tonight the Death Eater grabbed his mask and set out for the apparation point.

The night turned out to be everything Snape had wished for and then some. It felt great to have got rid of the weakness that had ruled his life for over fifteen years, once more he felt alive. Seeing the man, just before moonrise, begging to be chained and pleading for forgiveness from the four year old mudblood in his cage was greatly amusing, hilarious even.

The transformation was obviously painful, and Severus revelled in the fact that such torment befell on his enemy each month. Even better was the terrified looks on the small boy's parents that were standing immobilised a few feet from the bars, it served them right. Severus recognised the female as a lowlife from a muggle family that had graduated some ten years ago, her husband was apparently a filthy muggle boy from her old neighbourhood. None of them deserved the great honour of living a magical life, they were all part of the defilement that had plagued and weakened the magical community for decades.

Last to be thrown into the cage and released from her bonds was the mudblood witch, and in a matter of minutes her dead body was in the same torn up state as the rest of her family. It was really a marvellous sight to see the werewolf rip her disgusting body apart, the red blood pooling on the floor and staining the bars.

Providing new victims for the irate werewolf was getting old though, and it was time to move on to the part that Severus had anticipated for hours. Finally he would be getting his payback, punishing the half-man for all the wrong he had done him, both during and after their schooldays.

.oOo.

One look on the rough stonewall in front of him told Remus that he had been moved back to the same dank dungeon cell he had already spent over a week getting familiar with. Hour after hour he had spent staring on this uneven surface, running his fingers along it. At first it was to try and find a weakness in the walls, but as time wore on it became more of a search for support, an attempt to lend some strength from the unyielding stones.

He had no idea how long after the transformation he had been unconscious but he wished he could have remained that way. His body were aching like never before and a short glance down told him that he had seemed to have several big wounds that someone had sloppily tied up with pieces of filthy cloth. He wondered why they had made the effort to keep him alive and for a second, as the image of the small boy and his petrified parents flashed before his eyes, he wished they hadn't.

Carefully sitting up with the intention to check on his injuries Remus glanced around the familiar room, something he instantly regretted. Just a few feet behind him lay the mangled body of someone whom he barely could identify as the boy's father, his flesh bearing distinct teeth marks. If he had had anything to eat Remus would have thrown up but as it was he just closed his eyes and turned away, the picture burned into the back of his eyelids.

There where no point in screaming or begging, he knew that, and he would not give them the pleasure of crying. Instead he took a shuddering breath and laid back down, once more facing the wall, curling in on himself despite the pain it caused as he aggravated his injuries. He would have his breakdown over this, sooner or later, but he figured he could postpone it until he got out of here, not that he really had any hope to manage that. When he passed out again a while later he welcomed the darkness like a long lost friend.

.oOo.

The next time Remus came to he felt as if someone had run his blood through one of those muggle soda-streamers that a colleague of his once had been so fond of. Apart from the earlier aches his whole body was prickling in a way that could only mean fever and in a way he was grateful. The worse he felt the easier it was to focus on himself and forget about the torn up corpse that lay behind him.

Fever dreams haunted Remus with their twisted realities and several times he thought there were dark robed people in the room with him, but he couldn't be sure if they were real or imagined. The few times he was lucid enough to notice his surrounding he could feel the smell of stale blood getting worse and worse with the passing time. He was quite happy that he was to weak to turn away from the wall, and at the same time surprised that no one had taken advantage of his state and changed his position for him.

When he finally forced his way back to consciousness to find Severus Snape hovering over him, a look of disgust marring his features, he felt relief streaming through his exhausted body.

"Se… Severus" he managed "please…" he trailed of not knowing what he was going to ask for, saving or a quick end. Or maybe just for the other man to be careful and not risk his cover.

As the world floated away again Remus could feel his upper body being lifted of the floor and a potion being forced down his throat. He thought he might also feel the jerk of a portkey, but he was to far gone to investigate it more closely.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: I could give you a million reasons for why this has taken me so long to update. I could tell you how I've worked a lot and how I've had troubles with my computer. Though not untrue, they're not the real reason for the delay but they are what I have been telling myself. Truth is I've been having a major writer's block where everything I could come up with went against all logic and/or sounded terribly forced. I've had a hard time writing Snape like this and as a result there is quite a large chunk of time missing in here, but I hope you won't mind too much. In the end I'm not exactly proud of this chapter, but I got past it and hopefully you will too.

I also want to thank anyone who has ever reviewed, marked as favourite, or put an alert on this story. For a while there I was actually considering just giving up, but then I took a look at all of you and your encouraging words, remembered my promise, and kicked myself hard for ever thinking of letting you down.

Without further ado, Chapter 6:

.oOo.

Severus Snape took a precious second to stare emptily at the piece of floor that had just moments ago accommodated Lupin. He wondered if the werewolf had survived the portkey to Dumbledore's office, delivering a dead pet to the headmaster would probably not help him with getting in the Order's good graces.

There was a barely discernible feeling that was festering in the bottom of Severus stomach, feeding on him like a parasite. He hadn't noticed it earlier, but he knew for sure it had reared its ugly head when he listen to Lupin beg in such an awfully trusting tone. Severus had ruthlessly crushed the feeling down, fearing that should he try to unravel the nest everything else might follow. It felt like a hole in a knitted sweater, poke at it and all you will be left with is a pile of messy yarn.

Snapping himself out of his introspective mood the Death Eater cringed slightly at the smell from the rotting corpse a few feet away from him. It was a shame really that no one had turned Lupin around to watch the destruction he had so efficiently created, Severus sure would have done so if he'd been down here before today. The newest Death Eaters obviously needed some thorough training before they would be worthy of the honour their mark brought them.

Redonning the mask he had put aside for Lupin's benefit Severus hastily made his way upstairs, the heavier Death Eater robes merely fluttering where his own billowing ones would have provided some extra drama. He did after all have news about an escaped prisoner, and a show worthy of the finest establishments would be put up for his fellow Death Eaters. The Dark Lord would seem livid, probably even punish him for good measures, but the investigation would show that a portkey had been activated in the dungeon a full hour earlier, well before Snape even arrived.

To say that the cruciatus felt good would always be a huge exaggeration, but it could be more or less torturous and that night was definitely one of the better ones for Severus. As the pain beat through his nervous system, causing his muscles to spasm and cramp together, Severus screamed himself hoarse. It didn't last for long but afterwards he felt cleansed, like if the air he had forcefully pressed out through his windpipe had brought with it that tangled knot in his stomach. Unbeknownst to his master he had deserved the punishment, and it had made him snap back into place.

.oOo.

Almost an hour had passed since Lupin had been whisked away by the portkey when Severus finally entered the headmaster's office, a faux worry ingrained in the wrinkled forehead and the crossed arms. After having played a part for the Dark Lord all those years fooling the blue-eyed headmaster and his deputy seemed as easy as feeding lies to third year Gryffindors.

McGonagall was fretting over the slim cot that had been placed in a corner of the room; a number of tinkles having disappeared to Merlin-knew-where to accommodate the sickbed. Lupin looked pale but flustered with fever and was either unconscious or sedated, not that Severus particularly cared.

For Severus this mission should soon be over. He would have the perfect reason to start giving the Dark Lord more valuable information and with a little luck the werewolf could still die from his injuries. Severus might have been weak and stupid for years, but he once again remembered which team he rooted for and he would from now on do anything to ensure victory for his side.

In a way it might even be lucky that he had had his spineless years. Without them he would have been rotting in Azkaban for the last decade and a half and his mind would be lost forever, he was after all one of the most skilled potion masters in all of Europe. He would also never have gotten as close to Dumbledore as he currently was, and now he could turn that trust into his greatest success yet.

"How is he? Where is Pomfrey?" the split second of silence could be passed off as confusion about the lack of matron.

"She left twenty minutes ago, the Dragonpox." Dumbledore didn't elaborate and Severus didn't need him to, remembering that half of the Ravenclaws was currently in the infirmary. "Remus was placed in a healing coma for the next twenty-four hours. Apart from the flesh wounds themselves several of them were badly infected and the bacteria have spread through his blood making him severely septic. Another hour and he would have been lost, as it is he will hopefully recover. Thank you Severus."

Severus didn't know what to think, Lupin's survival might be better from the big perspective but he had held a secret hope to finally see the end of the marauders. It would make it one less nuisance of a Gryffindor in the school.

"Septic?" He asked for distraction, yet honestly intrigued. "That should be fixed in a matter of minutes with a simple potion. I know Poppy has it stocked, I made a batch for her not to long ago."

"Turns out some of the bacteria were magical, probably from the werewolf saliva. It's treatable but our potions have only slightly more effect than muggle antibiotics has on the muggle counterpart."

Severus gave a small nod, still waiting for the inevitable question. He had expected it to be thrown in his face the moment he stepped through the door, so it was about time. From across the room he could hear Minerva stilling, her ears most likely growing to twice their size as she awaited the explanation.

"Severus," there was a small pause "what happened?" The Death Eater made sure that his smile came off as grim.

"The full story, I believe, is for Remus to tell you himself. Sufficient to say is that no one was allowed to leave marks, there will be no evidence that he did not do all of this to himself. But I'm sure you have already noticed that all visible wounds were self-inflicted." Snape deliberately avoided eye contact, putting on a mask of shame for the headmaster to see and believe. Privately he was rather worried that he might burst into laughter at the pitying look on the outdated legend's face.

It was easy to admire the handy-work of his master, Severus thought. Apart from using the situation to further infiltrate the order the plan had a whole other level, one that he had chosen not to inform Dumbledore about when he learnt of its existence four nights ago. As the order were now starting to heal Lupin a ministry worker and her boyfriend would decide to take a late evening stroll through the woods in an area not far from Liverpool. The couple would however run into far more interesting sights than stars and moonlight, namely two mudblood bodies torn apart by a werewolf.

All the evidence would point to the carcasses having lain there since the full moon four days prior, which indeed were true since the crime scene had been fabricated before the full moon even set. The bodies would be covered in dirt and leaves, but also in saliva, saliva from one very special werewolf. So while Lupin was close to death and in great need of hospitalisation all of the ministry would be out for his blood, searching high and low for the monster they longed to execute.

Dumbledore might have the influence and enough favours to cash in that he managed to free the half-human, but doing so would cost his reputation greatly. Not to mention that many of the strings he would pull would be burnt with him owing a large part of the officials for their gracious help. The next time the Order needed something impossible done they would hopefully be met with much greater resistance.

Just as Albus opened his mouth to break the tense silence the fireplace flared green and three necks groaned as their respective heads snapped around at the sound of Shacklebolt's voice.

"Albus?" The voice sounded strained and the dark face had got a few more lines to it in the last few days, or rather in the last few minutes if Severus guessed correctly. "Thank Merlin you're here! I don't have long but they found bodies, Remus saliva was all over them and the DMLE and RCMC is putting together a manhunt as we speak. I don't know what to do. I mean Remus might already be dead, but this? He's a good man and I..." Dumbledore held up a hand and the auror stopped his tirade looking angry and worried at the same time.

"Severus got Remus out." Shacklebolt's eyes widened to comical proportions. "This might be Voldemort's way to revenge the escape and we must not let it happen, I will not have Remus saved from death by Voldemort's hands just to see him executed by the ministry. I'll be there shortly." Kingsley simply nodded and withdrew his head back to his office.

For a second McGonagall and Severus simply watched the headmaster while he gazed emptily at the fireplace. When he snapped into motion again it was with an air of resolution and confidence, showing why so many were prepared to see him as their leader.

"Okay, we can no longer keep Remus in the castle. The hospital wing is crowded with students and I have already offered their families to stay with them over Christmas. Not only would it put an unreasonable strain on Poppy but the chance of discovery is far too great. The school must not be connected to this or the ministry could very well close us down. Hogwarts cannot accommodate murderers in hiding, no matter how innocent they really are." McGonagall nodded her silent agreement.

"I had planned to take the main responsibility for Remus' care myself, but as it is I will be needed here and cannot go into hiding with him. I don't want to send more people than necessary since their absence might be noticed and whoever goes has to be able to brew more of the Septicaemia potion since our current stock isn't enough. That means there's really only one possible candidate." Dumbledore turned his piercing stare at Severus.

For a fleeting second the potions master felt like stomping his feet and screaming 'no' the same way that a child would, but that emotion was quickly put down by an epiphany. He would be the sole caretaker of the werewolf, whose life was hanging by a thin tread. No one could blame _him_ if Lupin didn't pull through. Not to mention that his position among the order might be even further improved if he did Dumbledore this favour, something that should please his master.

He allowed his conflicting emotions to shine through on his face for a second, not wanting to come off as to easily persuaded. "Of course," he then said, sounding pained. "Where should we go?"

"Grimmauld Place is still inaccessible but I wouldn't have recommended it anyway. I have a safe house set ready for situations like these and I'm sure Remus will recover faster if he's not constantly surrounded by memories of Sirius. However, I'm afraid the house isn't equipped with a proper laboratory so you will need to bring your own supplies, I'll cover any expenses." Severus had a distinct feeling that that meant Dumbledore would somehow sneak it through the school budget but he made no comments.

"I will require a few minutes to gather my things, if there's nothing else at the moment?" The headmaster shook his head and motioned towards the fireplace.

The packing took next to no time, mostly since he decided to take just about everything with him. Magic ensured that he could carry it easily and he had no inclination to let his holiday plans of potions research get ruined by a dying werewolf. A few set of clothes, a toilet bag, and some books later Severus was about ready to go, stopping for a moment to sweep his eyes across the room for any missed articles. The Death Eater robes were already on and the mask was in his pocket, prepared for the call he suspected would come soon enough. Yes, he was all done for whatever this little excursion might comprise.

All of his belongings lay shrunken and weightless in his robe pocket when Dumbledore created the portkey to the safe house. While he worked the elder man explained that the house was hidden with a Fidelius charm with himself as the secret-keeper. It was located in the muggle suburbs of Birmingham, a city big enough to hide them and make any lesser magical traces go unnoticed.

"However," he concluded before sending Snape and his charge on their way, "you need to keep your use of active magic as low as possible, it would be unwise to draw attention to the neighbourhood unnecessarily. There are anti-apparition wards so I have created a multi-use portkey that will work only between the safe house living room and your living room here at Hogwarts." Dumbledore placed a small golden elephant in Snape's hand. "Key word is _Shadow_ , I trust you will only use it when needed." The man gave Severus a look that clearly stated that he was just as aware as the spy was about the upcoming meeting on the progress done.

Before he had any time to answer Severus felt the telltale jerk of the first portkey whisking him off to his new accommodation, and he allowed himself a tiny smile.

.oOo.

Had anyone been able to see past all the layers of deceptions Severus Snape had bundled himself in over the last decades neither side would have allowed the situation at Benedon Road to occur. Had Dumbledore been fully aware of the present betrayal he would have tried to bring Severus back, giving him third, fourth, and fifth chances, but he would never have bestowed on him the care of his childhood tormentor. The Dark Lord on the other hand was blissfully unaware of Snape's past betrayals, or the spy would have been dead long before he could come back to their side. This also meant that Voldemort never knew that the one element that might turn his spy against him once more was Remus Lupin. In the end it was the ineptitude of these two powerful leaders, their blind trust in someone who had betrayed them both, that ended up saving not one but two souls.

It had been Christmas Eve for just over two hours and Snape embraced the darkness that hid away the flowery patterns and blithe colours of the small house. The orange glow of the streetlights mated with the coloured flashes from a disturbing set of reindeers on the neighbour's lawn and made the closet sized room that held Lupin's bed feel like a part of another world.

The werewolf still hadn't regained consciousness and Severus had every intention to keep it that way. During his briefing with his master earlier that day it had been made clear that Lupin was to be kept alive, at the very least for the time being. But the potions master also knew that the Dark Lord understood his longing for revenge, and as long as he didn't act to quickly he would not receive much punishment for his deed.

To make his cause more believable in front of the order Severus had been changing two of the four daily doses of Septicaemia to a concoction that was nothing more than an especially foul tasting herbal tea, although no one would know the difference. This had made him able to keep the werewolf alive but it also made sure that there was no progression in his health, and with septicaemia being a tricky disease no one could point fingers and blame him. Sometimes the cures didn't take the way they were supposed to and he was not a professional healer.

Since the healing coma had ended about ten hours earlier Lupin had been having almost constant nightmares, something that pleased Severus to no end. The werewolf could be kept alive for weeks like this, too weak to wake up and escape the nightmares that plagued his sleep, yet not sick enough to succumb to the complete darkness. It was a beauty to behold, so that was what Severus did. From his temporary laboratory in the bedroom next door he would hear when a nightmare turned especially vicious, when Lupin would scream and plead and cry as he tossed back and forth in his bed, and then Severus would come and enjoy the show.

Sitting down on the edge of Lupin's bed Snape would revel in the man's horrors. Where it used to be Lupin's role it was now Severus who got to watch in silence as the other man suffered. Their places had finally changed, and the payback gave Snape a tremendous pleasure. A small smile played on his lips as he thought of how he still, years after Lupin's most unfortunate death, would have the memories of these episodes inculcated in his mind.

However, someone somewhere seemed set on changing it all. Maybe the divine powers took pity on Remus, and decided he was worthy of another chance. Maybe they had ulterior motives in the light side regaining the upper hand. Maybe they just wanted to believe that the earth could yet be a good place, that humanity still had a chance. Or it might not be divine at all, maybe it was just - as most might choose to believe - dumb luck. No matter the reason for it it still happened, and it drastically changed two individuals' futures.

.oOo.

Without warning Remus sat up, emotion etched so deeply into his face that the tears tracks seemed to have created their very own canyons. His breathing was quick, close to hyperventilating, as it ghosted past a black robed shoulder and he was close enough to Snape that the man could feel the fever radiating through the air and trigging his thermo receptors.

It had all gone so fast that there had been no room for reaction from Severus side, and as he moved to reconquer his personal space he must have alerted the werewolf to his presence. Few would have moved fast enough in their sleep to catch Snape before he rose, but Lupin somehow managed. Without warning Severus felt himself hindered by hands fiercely gripping his loose clothing, a head burrowed against his shoulder and a body much too close to his.

Severus wanted to move, to push Lupin back down and make a quick escape, but he found he couldn't even remotely remember how to tell his muscles what was wanted of them. All he could focus on was Lupin's heart beating furiously against his side, the irregular breathing that pressed air against his shoulder and the burning of Lupin's all to warm forehead against his neck.

In his mind Severus was at the same time back on the floor of his chambers, breaking down in the arms of this man and allowing the comfort he offered, and back in the chambers of the Dark Lord delighting in the pain he caused the same man. None of it felt real, not even the present. It was as if the walls around him were crumbling and the universe was falling apart.

When Remus loosened his iron grip and fell back against the pillows in a peaceful slumber Severus had lost all perceptions of time. With the loss of the warm body it felt like his blood had turned to ice and he sat shivering on a small bed in a world that seemed drastically different from what it had been mere hours ago. It was a harsher and more brutal reality, the familiar self-disgust burning in his stomach, but somehow everything felt more right than it had for weeks.

Severus had no tools for dealing with things like this. Usually he would just push it back into some hidden corner in his mind and never look at it again, but right then he couldn't even focus enough for that. It felt as if the world had tilted and he was sliding across its surface at neck breaking speed, losing his touch with reality as it rushed by in a whirlwind of colours. For a moment he was certain he was going insane.

Devoid of his usual methods of emptying his mind Severus knew of an easy out, at least for a few hours: Dreamless Sleep. If he gave Remus a dose of the septicaemia potion now he wouldn't need the next one for at least six hours, which should give Severus mind sufficient time to calm down.

Standing up from the bedside Severus had to white-knuckle the door post to keep standing. The floor kept tossing one direction then the other, like the house was floating at sea during a storm. It took a second to get used to the rocking but Severus eventually managed to stumble over to the laboratory and retrieve Lupin's potion. He was none to gentle as he poured it down the other mans throat and proceeded to his own much larger bedroom.

Severus had the feeling that the manner in which he collapsed on his king sized bed was rather undignified, but he could not bring himself to care. Uncorking the small vial he downed all of its contents before throwing the glass away, it bounced off the floor with a sound that sliced through his brain like polished steel. Reaching up to touch his shoulder Severus fingers skimmed over the residue wetness from Remus' tears and he wished for the first time in years that he remembered how to cry.


	7. Chapter 7

AN: Here I am, writing again! I've had the worst case of writer's block but it's getting better. After all I have once promised to finish this, and I still stand by my word. There are too many unfinished stories out there. To those of you who are still with me in this, and to those who has just joined the party: Thank you for being here, now enjoy the next chapter.

.oOo.

Severus had been awake less than five hours when the nosebleeds returned, efficiently ruining a potion he had been working on for the last hour and a half. What should have been a fever reducer for the infirmary was now some unknown, potentially volatile concoction that Severus quickly banished, Dumbledore's no-magic rule be damned.

Dispirited the potions master deflated on the bed that by all rights should have been Lupin's, using his left sleeve to stem the nosebleed. This room was more than twice the size of the one currently housing the werewolf, with a bigger and more comfortable bed, a desk, and a chest of drawers. It wasn't a room suited for potions making but out of spite Severus had made it his laboratory, instead of using the far more practical kitchen. He wished he could change it now, but it was too late. After back to back doses of working remedy Lupin was fairing much better and would surely wake up should Severus try to move him, a situation Snape did not want to find himself in.

The blood flow had been small to begin with and it ended fast enough, allowing Severus to lay back on the bed. He would need to wash his robes as soon as he figured out the washing machine, the blood would make the sleeve stiff - not to mention he didn't want Lupin to see it.

Staring emptily at the white plaster ceiling Severus could not help but wonder if he had always felt like this. The self disgust and hatred kept nagging him constantly and it felt like they had burnt a hole through his abdomen. Maybe it had been just as bad two weeks ago - before the whole mess had started - and he had just been so used to it that he didn't feel it so acutely. It could also have gotten worse, seeing how he had a whole new set of disgusting memories to hate himself for.

In the end Severus was not a person who let such insignificant things as feelings rule his life. To him it did not matter that he wished to keep staring at the ceiling for the rest of the day, his wants was always superseded by other's demands. Pomfrey needed a potion and a potion she would get, even if Snape couldn't quite contain a sigh as he forced his body back into motion.

.oOo.

When Lupin finally woke it was with much less hassle than Severus would have imagined. The brown eyes fluttered open when Snape stepped into the room and confusion shone in them for a moment before the obvious question was asked.

"Where am I?" The younger man's voice was hoarse but surprisingly strong.

"One of Dumbledore's safe houses, it's protected by the Fideli." Snape kept his tone detached and uncaring, it was an easy way to convince himself that was the case. Lupin's eyes closed for a second and relief shone on his pale face.

"So it wasn't a dream then, you got me out. Thank you." Their eyes met and Severus got the notion that Lupin wanted to say something else.

"It was not my doing" Severus said, sparing his charge the trouble. "The Dark Lord allowed your rescue or it would never have been possible." In many ways it would have been safer to keep Lupin in the dark about that particular truth. Secrets never stayed that way for long if you started telling people, but Severus had no wish to be idolized. Living in close quarters with the werewolf would be hard enough without the other man crawling around his feet in gratitude.

Even an untrained eye would have seen the wheels turning in Lupin's mind, and to Severus it was almost painfully clear when he came to his conclusion.

"You-know-who wouldn't… and the other two… and if I still need protection. Tell me."

"Two days ago, the 22nd, I brought you to Dumbledore's office. Apart from the flesh wounds you suffered from severe magical septicaemia and was close to death. Madame Pomfrey healed your external injuries before she had to return to the infirmary which is currently swamped by Rawenclaws with Dragonpox. Dumbledore planned to take on responsibility for your treatment but the other two bodies turned up at that moment, staged to look like an accidental kill. The headmaster is sorting it out now but with the current political climate keeping you at Hogwarts was impossible."

Remus needed no details on the kind of manhunt that would be stirred up by a werewolf gone rogue, and was at that point nearly as white as the sheets he was embedded in. For a fleeting second Severus thought that maybe he should have taken a softer approach but gentle had never been one of his prominent traits.

"You need to drink this." His voice was still distanced but the werewolf accepted the vial and the light green potion disappeared into his mouth. Taking back the small container Severus felt the urge to run, and for once he allowed his emotions to rule. By the door he cast one last glance back at Lupin who was lying curled up on his side, watching him leave.

"So today's Christmas eve?" Lupin's voice was empty.

"Yes." As he stepped out into the hallway and closed the door behind him Severus was pretty sure he heard a strangled sob from the other side. Raising a shaking hand to rub his face Snape returned to the makeshift laboratory, there were more potions that needed brewing.

.oOo.

It took less than twenty four hours before Severus was close to killing Lupin again, or committing suicide, as long as it got him away from the situation.

With paper thin walls and no silencing charms Severus could almost hear the tears hitting the bedding in Lupin's room, as well as all the other sounds of grieving. Not to mention that the man had started talking to himself, bemoaning his fate. Whenever the crying finally stopped Lupin would materialize, more ghost than human, and haunt the tiny house.

The man was clearly unable to move past what had been done to him. He even repeatedly tried to talk to Snape about it, sitting on the bed in the laboratory blaming himself for killing the family. It was all 'did you see the little boy' and 'did you hear her begging me not to hurt him' with the occasional 'Dumbledore is doing too much for me'. Severus couldn't stand it.

Every time Lupin spoke it reminded Severus of that night. He was brought back into that moment with horrifying clarity, all of his feelings and reactions on a macabre display not even dulled by the dust of time. Soon enough Lupin only had to try to open his mouth before the memories assaulted him and sooner still all Lupin had to do was show himself, or make noises.

What right did the man have to feel that strongly for three people that he hadn't even killed? Three people that the Dark Lord killed in an evil play with the werewolf that had been taking up Lupin's place in existence.

What right did Lupin have when Severus had blood on his hands from more than ten times as many? When Severus had a full classroom of ghosts staring back at him, none of which he had ever allowed himself to grieve for?

Back when Snape had turned to the order no one had asked about his past, if it had been out of cowardice or some faulty picture that it shouldn't be stirred up Severus didn't know. No one had asked and since he didn't want them to know the spy had pushed it out of his head and onto his shoulders were he choose to carry it. What he didn't know then was how heavy that weight would get, how much would be added over the years. By now all he could do was trudge on, trying to keep his back straight, and hope that he didn't slip, because if he did the weight would crush him completely.

.oOo.

Deprived of any escape in the small house, tired and under pressure Severus could never find the time to breath, no less calm the raging storm that had stirred up inside him. It was all undeniably bound towards one point. Just over twenty-four hours after Lupin waking up, on the afternoon of Christmas day, Severus finally lost his control.

Lupin had been standing by the door to the laboratory again, bemoaning his fate and crying over how unfair life was when the hurricane reached its peak.

"Shut up!" Even Severus himself was surprised as he smacked the knife down on the cutting board and turned to Lupin's sorry sight. "Shut up! Who are you to sit here complaining to me of all people about three people killed by a werewolf. You weren't even there, where you? Well let me tell you; I WAS! Who do you think tortured you enough to make you bite yourself like that, huh? I was there, all in for torturing you and trust me I ENJOYED IT. You cannot make Crucio work without truly enjoying the pain you cause, did you know that? It's what makes it so unforgivable, and I can do it, no problem." Lupin looked stunned and stayed silent.

"You are walking around here like a ghost so busy thinking about yourself that you don't even notice those around you. 'Oh my god, my werewolf form killed someone. I'm so horrible, how can anyone help me?'" The last was said in a very mocking tone before Severus stepped up to Lupin, putting their faces no more than two feet apart.

"Let me make this perfectly clear once and for all: I do not feel sorry for you, not at all. You do not even have a memory of the killings the creature in you committed. I on the other hand remember every last one of mine, and let me tell you they are remarkably more than three. How much blood do you think it takes to get into the Dark Lord's inner circle? How much torture? How many lives? No one ever held my hand, what makes you think I should be able to do so for you?"

Severus fell silent and it was like the completely calm eye of the storm. Both men stood perfectly still, dark brown eyes meeting honey with equally stunned looks on their faces.

.oOo.

Remus just observed his colleague, not knowing how to respond. Never before had he seen so much genuine feeling from the spy. The anger that so obviously had an undertone of panic, and the bone deep weariness towards the end had suddenly cleared Remus' senses. Why had he never seen this before, why had no one understood? They all knew what the Death Eaters did, why had they never connected the dots?

In the end he realized they must have refused to see, and that the episodes he had witnessed so far probably only was the tip of the iceberg. Someone should have been there earlier, seeing the veneer for what it was. But no one had cared enough to look, and instead they had sent Severus back again and again to a hell he already knew too well. There was no way out as long as Voldemort was alive, Remus knew that, but they could have done something. They could have cared.

At least Remus knew he could try to make up for his mistake. His own problems seemed insignificant in the shadow of what Severus had let out. Any processing he needed to do could be done later, in the company of someone else.

Surely the other man would never have meant to give away as much as he had, and Remus could see that trying to speak about what had just transpired would not lead to anything constructive. Yet the silence had stretched out to long and needed to be broken since none of the pair seemed inclined to move.

"Are you hungry? I could make us some dinner." It was an honest thing to say, yet normal and therefore somewhat safe. Remus also realised that he himself was hungry, starving actually, and he was suddenly unsure if he had eaten more than the odd piece of bread since waking. Severus didn't seem to have cooked either, but he guessed neither of them had had much of an appetite.

"Yes, thank you." The polite answer was a pleasant shock for Remus, but he guessed Snape was more shaken than he let on. The minute softening of the lines around Severus eyes was probably as much of a smile as Remus would ever get out of the man, but he took it for what it was as he followed his colleague to the kitchen. Starting on a regular Christmas dinner seemed overrated but Remus managed to dig out ingredients for a meat stew with vegetables and potatoes. After years of living in the muggle world he moved around the kitchen with its electrical devices easily. The silence that reign was surprisingly comfortable, even with Snape watchfully studying Remus' every move from his seat at the kitchen table.

.oOo.

The next days floated past unexpectedly easy. Most of the time they spent on different locations, Severus brewing potions in the laboratory and Remus crawled up in an armchair with a book. They ate their meals together, usually in silence. The short conversations that took place were never outright hostile. Severus was sometimes swiftly angered, but mostly their attempts to talk just felt forced and fake. Some of their exchanges were still decent, but in the end staying silent was the safest. Silence was comfortable, and that was all they needed.

Remus still slept a lot, the disease residing in his bloodstream making him weak. Constant doses of potions were at least doing their job and he could feel his strength slowly returning even if he would continue taking the cure for at least three or four weeks.

They both knew that the chance of Severus being called back to his master's side was growing with each hour. It was bound to happen sooner or later but as long as it wasn't right now they could live with ignoring it.

When Fawkes arrived with a note from Dumbledore saying that it would most likely take until after New Year's Eve to solve the mess none of them were surprised, nor overly disappointed to be unable to return to Hogwarts.

.oOo.

AN: This chapter is dedicated to my wonderful boyfriend. The next will be out soon enough.


	8. Chapter 8

AN: So, I've finally managed to finish this chapter. Apparently I haven't got any emails with your reviews, which is why I have been so silent. I though this story was dead, but still slowly kept writing should anyone be reading. I will read your reviews as soon as possible, but I will give you this chapter first. Thank you all so much, I hope you will enjoy it.

.oOo.

The call came on a Wednesday, four days after Christmas. Severus had known it would come soon enough, but he couldn't help the growing worry in his stomach as he stood from the dinner table. The last few days had helped stabilize his psyche somewhat, but the whole situation with Lupin still unnerved him. The man knew far more than he was supposed to. At the same time Severus could not regret his outburst, not that he hadn't tried.

When the burning started Severus had made sure not to let anything show on his features, but maybe his face had been to blank. The look Remus gave him said he knew what was about to happen, and it was disturbing that someone could read him that easily.

A whispered "be careful, come back" reached Severus ear's as he passed into the living room, but he couldn't bear turning around and risk meeting a worried gaze.

"I will try," he said instead. "I promise." To his great surprise he found himself meaning it. He was always careful, but for some reason there was a difference this time. Maybe having someone know where he was going was affecting more than he had realised, but Severus wanted to make it back. He wanted to spare Lupin the trouble of worrying for him.

As the portkey whisked him back to Hogwarts he couldn't help but wonder why he would even trick himself into thinking Remus would worry. The man just needed his potions. But there had been something in the whispering voice that had been so sincere Severus couldn't help but believe it.

Putting aside his regular clothes Severus carefully took the time to strip his thoughts as well, and when the Death Eater robes came on, so did his darker persona. When he finally reached the apparition point he was ready for what the evening might bring.

.oOo.

The time was closing in on three o'clock when Severus was finally able to raise his wand and cast the looking spells on his door at Hogwarts. A voice in the back of his head told him he had once read that this was the hour when humans were at their weakest, that between three and four o'clock most deaths happened at the hospitals. At least he needn't worry about that at the moment, no one involved tonight had been old or strong enough to defend themselves and he was physically as fit as he had been when he left.

Taking a deep stabilizing breath he sat down at his desk to write a report to Dumbledore. The night had begun with a meeting between him and the Dark Lord concerning Lupin. The plan seemed to be going along fine, and Dumbledore was burning out contacts with the speed of an express train to be able to save the werewolf. Severus had grudgingly admitted that it might be best to keep Lupin alive, mainly to stimulate doubt about the staff kept by Dumbledore. Whether Lupin was found guilty or not it would still cast a shadow on the great man when he kept the werewolf around.

The fact that Severus had been hoping for that exact decision had luckily enough passed the Dark Lord by unnoticed, and Remus would be allowed to live another day. Merlin knew what the spy would have done had it been decided that they had no use for the werewolf alive. Killing him no longer seemed like an alternative, but disobeying a direct order would only result in his own death.

There was one part of the meeting that Snape didn't retell though. He figured that the headmaster already knew that a larger gathering had followed right after the private one. A meeting called together solely for amusement, and for the cause of scaring the masses from opposing them.

For all Dumbledore knew Severus could have left before that part, he wished he had. Just thinking about what had transpired made him nauseous, his stomach twisting together in cramps, and his breathing getting hitched.

Forcefully wrenching his thoughts away from that direction Severus raised a shaking hand to rub his forehead before he finished off the official report and closed the magical drawer. He wanted to go to sleep, to just down a full dose of Dreamless Sleep and deal with his latest sins tomorrow, but he needed to go to the safe house. The promise he had given Lupin still rung in his head, and he would come back even if the man was probably asleep by now.

Severus really didn't want to meet anyone at the moment, least of all Lupin who would probably take one look at him with those piercing eyes and understand way too much. At the same time he was curious as to whether someone was actually prepared to sit awake all night waiting for him, if anyone was that stupid.

Standing in front of the fireplace for a few minutes Severus was thinking about whether this was really wise. He felt brittle, close to breaking, and he was frightened what might happen should the other man be awake. At the same time the loneliness of his own quarters was suffocating. Deciding that Lupin would be asleep Severus grabbed the elephant. He would just check in on Lupin for a second before getting his eagerly awaited Dreamless Sleep, it would all feel easier tomorrow.

.oOo.

Remus' worry had been increasing as he watched the hands on his clock slowly ticking away into night and then early morning. He couldn't help but wonder if he had seen the spy for the last time, and wished he would have said more, done more for the man.

He had tried reading for a while after doing the dishes, but he couldn't concentrate. The TV showed nothing but ridiculous game shows which seemed woefully inappropriate, so he had been stuck with his thought and the slowly moving clock. For his inner eye he had been seeing what might be happening to Severus right that moment, but he could not make the thoughts stop. A short while he had been scared that there would be a repeat of last time he confronted the man after a meeting, but even the potential risk to his own health couldn't convince him to go to bed.

A split second of tingling air was all warning he got, before the port key arrived, leaving a worse for wear looking spy standing in the middle of the room. Remus only got a quick glimpse of Severus face before the man looked away, but the haunted eyes he had seen would probably stay with him for a long time.

Standing up from the light pink armchair Remus crossed the flowery carpet, closing in on the man. He stood in front of him for a few seconds taking him in. The robes weren't the ones he normally wore, but instead the kind that most people only saw in their nightmares. They looked impeccable, not a wrinkle to disrupt the sinister cut, but they couldn't hide the slumped shoulders of the man wearing them, nor the slight twitching of his left hand. Severus had allowed a curtain of greasy hair to hide his turned down face and Lupin was trying to figure out how to handle this.

"I'm going to bed." The voice that floated out from behind the hair sounded as brittle as the finest glass.

"Severus..." Remus stretched out his hand and gently took the arm of the leaving man. He froze completely.

"Please, just let me go. Don't touch me, please." The voice was close to pleading, yet Remus couldn't see him leaving like this. Maybe it was stupid, and something he would come to regret but he at least wanted to know if the other man had suffered any injuries. Severus was not a man who begged for things, which on its own was an enormous reason to respect his wish. But it was also a clear sign something was very wrong, and Remus didn't want to find him dead in the morning.

"Why? Are you hurt? Please, let me help you." He moved around so he stood in between Severus and the door, not really intending to stop him again, but more as a demonstration.

"Don't." Severus backed away until he was out of reach.

"I just need to know if you're hurt, please." Carefully Remus moved forward and stretched out a hand towards the other man, but he retreated even further. Remus moved with him but didn't reach out again.

"I'm not, okay? I just want to sleep." The normally so composed man seemed close to panicking, his words hissed out through gritted teeth.

"Okay, fine. Let me help you." Remus knew he might be pushing it but he put another hand on Severus lower arm and nearly let go as an unintentional magical jolt went through his body. "Why can't I touch you?" Remus was close to pleading himself now, he just wished so bad the man would allow him to help.

"You don't know what I've done." The answer was whispered so low Remus nearly missed it.

"I don't care what you've done." Lupin found he truly meant it, no matter what had happened tonight he still wished to help the man in front of him.

"I'll destroy you. I'm so dirty and you're still clean. Please, for your own sake, leave me alone before I infect you with my darkness." Severus seemed to shrink in front of him.

"You will _not_ destroy me. Do you hear that? You are every bit as good as me, if not more. You cannot infect me with anything, I promise. I'm here now, and I won't leave." Severus shook his head and tried to get away but Remus refused to let him. Instead he grabbed his other arm tightly.

"You will not harm me Severus," he whispered to the frantic man but he couldn't tell if the words got through. "It's okay."

"There were kids, lots of them. A whole orphanage and none was left alive. The children, the staff, and we didn't just kill them, we played with them first. I played with them first, _and I enjoyed it._ I had to enjoy it!"

Remus didn't know what to say, where to begin. Instead he managed to catch Severus eyes for the first time since he arrived and the look in them took his breath away with its desperation. Acting on impulse Remus stepped up close to the potions master and wrapped both his arms around him. The man flailed and tossed trying to get away but Remus refused to let go.

"It's okay" he whispered again and again, and soon enough the flailing subsided. In its place tremors broke in, that quickly turned into full out sobs. Severus' legs gave out under him and to Remus great surprise he felt hands gripping his clothing tightly to prevent a fall.

"I'm still here," Remus whispered. "I'm not leaving." He half dragged, half carried Severus over to the sofa and sat down, still holding him tightly.

If Remus had thought that the man couldn't possibly cry harder he was quickly proven wrong. He was almost scared that Severus would suffocate. A stream of tears was seeking its way down Lupin's neck and slowly soaked his collar. It felt surreal.

"Shh, it's okay. I'm here." Not knowing what else to say Remus kept repeating his whispered mantra. He somehow had the feeling that being there for Severus in this moment might prove to be one of the most important things he'd done in his whole life. This was a man who had taken on more weight than he could possibly be expected to carry, yet didn't break because he'd never been able to. There had never been anyone there to help him pick up the pieces.

When his body began aching to much from the awkward position Remus laid down, all the while with Severus held tightly to him. He knew what it would look like to any spectators, the two of them in such a position together, but there where no one else around. Not that he would have cared much anyway. He knew it was not like that, and if people wanted to see it otherwise it was their problem.

Remus lost track of time as he laid there, gently rubbing circles on the back of his childhood enemy. Not until the sky outside grew lighter, marking the beginning of a new day, did the crying finally slow down.

.oOo.

Severus detachedly noticed it was morning, at least if the dim sunlight filtering in through the living room windows was anything to go by. He felt strangely empty, resting with his head on Remus's chest, strong arms still holding him. He could hear Lupin's heartbeat, feel his body move with every breath.

It was hard to believe what had transpired, how he could be laying like this. He could remember the pain, the desperation, how Lupin wouldn't go away, and the shattering feeling of losing control. After that it was all foggy but some details were razor sharp. How he had clung to the man's robes, the whispered words, and then even more excruciating pain.

The Crutiatus was nothing compared to what he had felt then, it was a soul deep acutely aching pain clawing at his insides. Being so close to someone had at the same time helped and made it worse. The only thing he had been able to do was cling ever tighter to Remus and let it loose. He had let the darkness ravish his body, but he had also managed to expel it. It felt as if the tears had washed him clean. He normally would have felt extremely ashamed after such a display, but at the moment he couldn't even bring himself to feel that. Instead he felt calmer than he had in days, years even.

Thinking back at the last few days Severus could see that last night had really been the culmination of the chaos inside him. He had been so confused and unnerved by his last stint back into his darker self, by his unplanned confessions to Lupin, and by the man's reaction to them. Not until now could he see how close he had been to breaking, and in a way he was grateful he hadn't known it last night. If he had understood the extent of it all back then he would never had come back to meet Lupin.

Risking a glance upwards he saw that Remus was looking at him, but this time Severus met his gaze straight on. He tried to figure out what the other man was thinking about it all, if he was disgusted, but it was impossible to know.

Severus knew he had taken a great risk, trusting the werewolf. If this was to get out his life would be over, and he did mean that literally. There weren't room for him to be weak, no matter what Remus might say. In his line of work the weak would only die. Yet despite of that, despite what might happen now, he realised he did not regret coming back to the safe house. In the end the comfort he had felt tonight, the feeling of someone being there for him when he was in need, that was worth dying for.

"You must be tired" Lupin broke the silence that had rested between them for some time. Severus merely nodded. "Do you want me to help you upstairs?"

Severus knew he should say yes, or even better just rise and walk the stairs on his own, but he couldn't. The thought of being left alone felt like a gaping dark pit in his stomach, he needed Remus' warm presence to keep the thoughts at bay. Before he could analyse the possible consequences of his action he put his head back on Remus chest and closed his eyes. He didn't want to see the rejection on the other's face as he shook his head.

"Please, don't leave me alone." He had not meant for it to come out sounding quite so needy, he didn't want to need anyone.

"It's okay. I'm here." Remus whispered response and tightened hold took him by surprise, so surely had he known he would be ridiculed.

If his breathing once more got a bit shaky, and a few more tears stained Lupin's clothes, the other man didn't seem to notice. Soon enough Severus calmed down again, and sleep came not long after.


	9. Chapter 9

AN: I'm writing again! There are no excuses for why this has taken so long, instead I will just apologise for the delay. I'm truly sorry you had to wait so long. There is good news though: The next chapter is already written (though it needs a bit of revising before it can be published) and I have begun on a third – last – chapter. After this there will be an epilogue to finish the story. Hopefully I will have the next chapter out by next week and have it all done and published before June ends. I want to thank all my faithful readers for hanging in there, and welcome anyone who just found this story. Let's get started!

.oOo.

Severus Snape had never had much patience for staff meetings. In his opinion they seldom contributed to anything except trying to create the illusion that they were all a team and that Dumbledore listened to their opinions. After sixteen years of teaching and still getting the Slytherins paired with the Gryffindors Severus knew that Albus did whatever he wanted anyways.

Glancing across the room Severus could see the back of Lupin's head a few chairs in front of him. None of them had ever mentioned his little _episode_ in the safe house. When he had woken up again Severus found that it was dark outside, and Lupin was gone. He realised he'd slept for over twelve hours, a deep and peaceful sleep, and he hadn't felt so well-rested in years.

For a long time afterwards he had felt a strange feeling of being empty and light at the same time, and for the first time in his life he felt that the weight on his shoulders had actually lessened instead of increased. Any worry he'd had about Remus' reaction was quickly calmed as the man showed up for breakfast. The two of them had both been determined to pretend like nothing had happened and had settled back into their safe-house routines fast enough.

As Dumbledore finally began to wrap the meeting up the clock was closing in on seven, and Severus couldn't wait to get out. He had felt an increasing uneasiness during the last few hours that had nothing to do with classes starting the next day. The proof he'd been right came before he had even reached his quarters, and he opened his door gritting his teeth against the pain in his forearm.

.oOo.

Remus finally managed to get away from his slightly smothering colleagues by claiming that he had to look over some lesson plans. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate their concern. During his four days back he had spent hours poring over the details of his capture with Albus and Minerva. The deaths of the family had been discussed until he almost felt it wasn't his doing, and he had lost the discussion about whether he should have been saved or not.

In the end Remus had accepted what had happened to him. He had a sneaking suspicion that it might have been too easy and would come back to haunt him later, but at the moment he had other things occupying him. Things he couldn't discuss with anyone. Because his story somehow seemed inconsequential compared to what he had heard from Severus. Remus wished he could speak to people about it, make them see what he had seen, but he knew that could never happen.

" _I on the other hand remember every last one of mine, and let me tell you they are remarkably more than three. How much blood do you think it takes to get into the Dark Lord's inner circle? How much torture? How many lives? No one ever held my hand..."_

The words had echoed in Remus' head ever since Christmas day, and the events after the last meeting still had him reeling as he thought about it. He still didn't know exactly what it was that had made Severus so uncharacteristically fragile, but he could guess that it had some connection with his imprisonment. Considering how big it must have been just to drive the spy to that first confession, Remus hesitated to think about what Severus must have undergone that drove him all the way to a breakdown.

In all his life Remus had never believed that Snape would ever beg him for anything. If he'd been told it would happen he would have guessed Severus would beg to be left alone, not the opposite. Yet that was what had happened. Severus had lain next to him, voice slightly shaking, and begged not to be left alone. Remus remembered how his stomach dropped when he felt how much Severus relaxed when he wasn't rejected, when he realised that Severus had been sure he'd be denied the consolation.

They had both fallen asleep there on the couch. Remus had woken around lunch with an empty stomach and a full bladder. He got up carefully, without waking Severus. In fact the man didn't stir for the whole day. Remus had opted to let him sleep, thinking he could probably need it. When darkness once again fell over the house he went to bed in his own room, determined to follow Snapes lead the next morning. If he didn't bring it up neither would Remus, there was no use to make Severus' life harder than necessary.

Reaching his office Remus automatically brought out the map to check that the potions master was still on the grounds. It was early enough in the evening that Remus first didn't believe his eyes when he couldn't find him. Curfew wasn't for another hour, and even after that students would be sneaking around for quite some time. Waiting outside Snape's office under such circumstances would be ill advised, so Remus would have to make do with the map.

The last two times he had met Severus after a meeting with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named stood out in Remus mind. He hoped that this time it could end up somewhere in between him getting beaten up or handling a complete breakdown.

.oOo.

It took two and a half hour for the small dot labelled Severus Snape to finally appear in his office. If asked, Remus would claim he had spent the time reading. The book was after all laying open in front of him, and if not a single page had been turned that evening no one was the wiser.

Being out after curfew had been somewhat of a theme during Remus' school years. It was a long time since the poorly lit hallways with their ghosts and antique armours had stopped spooking him, but walking through them alone always made him feel hollow and lonely. The school was built for its students, and without them it felt desolate and cold.

Once he reached his destination Remus knocked on the heavy wooden door that separated Snape's quarters from the corridor outside. For a short while he was sure he hadn't been heard, or was being ignored. Then the door swung open to reveal a surly-looking potions master. For two short seconds the men simply stood staring at each other.

"I take it I won't be able to make you go away?" Severus sounded unusually resigned.

"No, not really."

Remus knew he had just told a lie. If Severus honestly wanted him gone he would leave, he saw clearly enough that the man wasn't seriously injured. Yet he couldn't believe that the man really wished him gone, the door was after all still open. As if to prove Remus' line of thought Severus stepped aside and let his younger colleague in.

As soon as the door clicked Snape whirled around and set off across the room, his destination set to a door that Remus would guess led to his office.

"I have things to finish. If I'm lucky you'll have left when I'm done." The intent had probably been for it to sound scathing, but the statement just fell flat between them.

Remus really didn't know what to do next. Snape seemed to be faring well enough after the meeting, and it made Remus feel unsure what he was doing here. Sure, he had been invited, sort of, so he guessed he was welcome but where should he continue from here? Smalltalk wasn't really a speciality for him and Severus. They usually either fought or, well, had other things to occupy them.

The barren room had little to distract Remus from the waiting. The black square on one wall neither confirmed nor denied the rumour that dungeon quarters had windows out in the lake. It sounded both interesting and beautiful but only the Slytherins would know, and Remus didn't know any of them well enough to bring it up. He had once tried to ask Albus about it but the headmaster had waved the question away, claiming that each house had its right to its secrets.

Thanks to the house elves a fire was burning merrily in the fireplace. Unlike in most of his colleagues quarters there were no photos or random knickknacks on Severus' mantelpiece. It was a plain empty shelf, just as most surfaces in his home. Remus would find it unbearable to live in such barren and impersonal surroundings, but he had an inkling that Snape wanted to be reminded as little as possible about his life.

The bookcase was really the only thing in the room that could offer some kind of distraction to Remus, something he desperately needed to keep the awkwardness from making him leave. Because here he was all alone in Snape's living room waiting for the man to show up, and then what? What should he say? It wasn't as they had anything substantial to speak about and Severus didn't come off as a much of a chit-chatter.

Most of the books seemed to be about potions, but there was also an extensive section on defence. As far as he could see there was no fiction what so ever. What was really intriguing though was the seemingly random way they were sorted. Sure, most of the defence and spell books were in the same general area, but a few of them were scattered among potion books. Alphabetically there was no order eihter, but Remus didn't think Severus would really leave his books as disorganized as it seemed.

The werewolf had no idea if it was three or thirty minutes later that he looked up to see that Snape was standing just inside the living room. The man was silently watching him, arms crossed over his chest, and Remus felt slightly embarrassed. How long had the man been standing there? He was very glad he hadn't touched anything.

"Just trying to figure out the system." Remus said with a smile he was certain came out very skewed. Snape simply raised an eyebrow and looked at him suspiciously for a second before he decided the question was genuine.

"It's based on content. Offence or defence, stealthy or obvious, with sliding scales. For example you're standing by the shelf for healing, which crosses over into pain relievers followed by sleeping draughts to the right and poison antidotes to the left. Stealthy poisons are on top of the antidotes and the not so stealthy ones are below."

"Oh" was all that Lupin could manage in answer. He always had problems finding books if a library wasn't sorted alphabetically on the titles.

Desperately searching for something to say that would neither be banal nor too deep Remus came up empty. Snape on the other hand seemed completely indifferent to Remus awkward presence and moved to sit down in an armchair by the fire, effectively turning his back to his guest. Apparently there would be no help from that direction.

To ease the tension he was feeling Remus moved over to the small kitchenette that all staff residences were equipped with. Opening the cupboards he found to his relief that the house elves apparently kept this one stocked the same as his own. Grabbing some milk from the fridge he set about to make hot chocolate. Tea might have been faster, but making chocolate from scratch gave him something to focus on, if but for a short while. Besides, he had always found hot chocolate to be more comforting than tea.

The few steps back to the hearth were made easier by the distraction of the scalding cups burning his fingertips. Stopping next to his colleague Remus held out a cup waiting for him to take it but the man didn't react. He simply continued to stare emptily somewhere beyond the dancing flames with a distant look.

"Hot chocolate?" Remus asked and Severus startled ever so slightly at the sudden sound. Glancing quickly at the mug Snape sneered.

"Do I look like a first year?"

Lupin sighed at the immature answer and showed the drink at Severus, forcing him to take it.

There was only one chair standing in front of the fireplace, but another one was placed opposite the strict couch. With one hand now free Lupin reached for his wand and easily moved the piece of furniture. Sitting down next to Severus he took small sips of the beverage. He could see that his colleague was doing the same but chose not to comment on the fact that he hadn't wanted it.

Severus appeared preoccupied with something and Remus felt relieved that talking seemed unnecessary. The potions master had his hands wrapped tightly around the much too hot cup, and Remus wondered if all his brewing had made his hands insensitive to heat.

The time was closing in on one o'clock when their cups had finally been emptied and Remus was struggling to stay awake. He realised that it was time to leave, after all classes would start later that day. Standing he rinsed the dishes and left them in the sink for the house elves.

"I'm retiring for the night, maybe you should do the same?" He turned to Severus who was still staring at the fire. The man hummed something that could be taken as an agreement.

.oOo.

"Good night Severus." Snape could hear the door clicking shut behind his colleague but he kept his gaze locked on the flames. An articulate 'Good night Remus' rang through Severus head, but he stopped himself from saying the words out loud.

He knew he could have easily made Remus leave tonight, he _should_ have made him leave. Yet somehow he couldn't bring himself to turn the only human away who at least appeared to give a knut about whether he lived or not.

It was a dangerous road he had started walking, Severus was aware of that, but it was too late to change now. With the events in the safe house a door had slammed shut behind him and he couldn't make things go back. Lupin had gotten too close, had seen too much, and Severus wasn't strong enough to push him away anymore. Having remembered how it felt to have someone who cared about him Snape couldn't find the energy to drive that one good thing away. He no longer wanted to go back to the complete darkness he had lived in for so many years.

So in the end, he had let Remus in tonight. He did a few half-hearted tries to drive the man away but he guessed Lupin saw straight through them. The chocolate that had been showed into his hands had been surprisingly bitter with a touch of cinnamon, and against his better judgement Severus had found himself enjoying it. The burning heat against his palms had helped keeping him somewhat anchored to reality and the simple remedy had calmed him down more than he would have guessed. Or maybe it had just been the company.

If a small sigh escaped when he stood from the armchair Snape pretended not to notice. Getting ready for bed he fleetingly hoped that the night's sleep wouldn't be as short and troubled as it usually was. Even with Dreamless Sleep he'd had problems getting a decent rest for as long as he could remember. He guessed there had been a time before his deflection to the light side when he could sleep uninterrupted through the night, but it felt very far away. Now, he only had one memory of waking up from a good night's sleep and feeling rested. It was when he had stirred on the couch in the safe house, wondering how Lupin had managed to leave without him noticing.

.oOo.

Six weeks later Remus was quietly observing Severus during the lunch in the great hall. He had thought that his colleague wouldn't show up today but instead stay home and rest. Apparently he was mistaken. If he hadn't known the man had been up all night he would never have guessed it. In fact, this appeared to be just another day in the life of their surly potions master, and who knew; maybe it was?

Since the start of the spring term a cautious routine had been built between the two of them. In front of the school they mostly ignored each other, even if they still fought sometimes. Yet in the evenings Remus was secretly keeping an eye on the map to keep track of any Death Eater meetings, and so far there had been five of them.

Until yesterday the aftermaths of the meetings had played out much in the same way as the night when they had just gotten back to Hogwarts. Severus had been relatively fine, or at least spared from major injuries. With no crises to avert they had silently and slowly been drinking cups of practically unsweetened hot chocolate in front of the fire until Remus had been too tired and went home. It had worked well enough until yesterday when the pattern had been broken.

Snape had let Remus in at first, but in hindsight it was probably just to not risk being seen talking to him in the hallway late at night. As soon as the door closed behind them Severus had turned to his colleague.

" _You have to leave." Remus opened his mouth to retort but was cut off. "Don't argue." The 'please' hung silently in the air between them and Remus found himself actually looking at Snape for the first time that evening._

_If Severus normal complexion was pale then it was now close to grey, even in the warm light that the living flames provided. He had obviously suffered from at least one Cruciatus during the night, if his shaking hands were anything to go by, and somewhere along the road the man had passed being just tired and moved into deeply weary._

" _Can I ask why?" Remus questioned._

" _The headmaster has requested a potion to be delivered tomorrow before lunch. It will take over six hours to brew, and my first class of the day is in six hours and forty-five minutes." Remus couldn't help that his eyes strayed down to the shaking hands._

" _Can I help you somehow?" Severus scoffed, apparently well aware why Remus asked._

" _We are talking about a potion that the headmaster himself has problems brewing perfectly, frankly you would just be in my way." Lupin couldn't help but notice that Snape had let a perfect opportunity to insult him pass by unused._

" _Besides, it's not like I haven't brewed in worse conditions. I'll be fine." Severus suddenly looked uncomfortable and Remus guessed he hadn't meant to reveal that. The spy must have let his guard down around him more than any of them had realised._

" _Okay," Remus said. "I'll leave you to it." Knowing he wasted precious seconds he still took the time to just look the potions master over before leaving, getting a quiet reassurance that it would indeed be fine._

" _Don't blow up the castle though; I sort of need this job." Glancing over his shoulder as he left Remus could see a faint softening of the lines on Severus' face. Then the room was hidden by the oak door and Remus headed home._

Seeing him now at the lunch table there was no trace of fatigue in the potions master. Sure he might be a bit more bad tempered and impatient than usual, but that could be blamed on a difficult morning class. At first Remus wondered why his colleague hadn't taken the chance to get some rest before the afternoon classes begun, but then he remembered that the teachers were required to be present during lunch and dinner. If Severus didn't show up there would be questions.

It bothered Remus a little bit to see how flawlessly the act hid the weariness from the night before. He couldn't help but wonder how often this happened.

.oOo.

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

AN: I'm hopeless! Here I was supposed to have this story finished by now, but obviously it didn't turn out that way. Well, things don't always go according to plan. I'll try to have the next (last) chapter out as soon as possible but let's not put any deadlines on it for me to miss. Huge thanks to everyone who has ever reviewed, marked as favourite, followed or even just silently read this story. You guys are what keeps me going and your reviews always make my day. Love to you all.

.oOo.

Snape honestly considered keying Lupin into his wards, not that he'd ever tell the man. At least it would solve problems like the one he was having right now. Because Lupin hadn't shown up yet, and since Severus had just come home from a meeting Remus was sure to be here anytime.

It had never happened that Severus had left the door unlocked on purpose, and it never would, so Lupin needed to show up soon. If Remus came to check on him after a meeting and Severus didn't open he feared the werewolf would do something stupid. Probably alerting Dumbledore and having him break through the wards, which would be tremendously embarrassing.

The rising panic, constricting throat and quickening heartbeat told the spy clearly enough that it wouldn't be long until he was unable to open the door. It could after all be someone else out there.

The moment the long awaited knock finally came Severus wrenched the door open, arranging his face in a proper scowl. Lupin looked quite surprised at the quick response.

"Dragging our legs are we?" The potions master asked snappily as Remus stepped through the door looking slightly wary. "I have a report that needed to be done five minutes ago."

During the short time it took him to speak Severus had already warded the door and crossed the room. Stepping into his office he desperately flung the door shut behind him. He had time to take one more breath before it was upon him.

Severus had a feeling that he sunk to the floor in what could only be described as an undignified heap, but he couldn't bring himself to care. All his energy and willpower was used to keep him breathing, and to try to tell himself that his furiously racing heart wouldn't just give in. Even as he gasped for air he intellectually knew that he was suffering from a panic attack, but for once his brain wasn't in command.

After his attack in October Severus had researched what might have happened to him. When he first stumbled over the mentioning of panic attacks he had been in denial; he was far too strong for that. But as time passed and he suffered more attacks he slowly came to accept the fact.

Since Christmas the attacks had been far more frequent, especially after Death Eater meetings. Luckily Remus didn't know that there was no need to write reports after some of the gatherings. It presented the perfect opportunity to lock himself in his office and be alone for awhile as he got himself back under control.

Calming himself down usually took no more than a few minutes for Severus, he was after all skilled in the mental arts. Tonight however nothing he did seemed to really matter. As soon as he begun to regain control the family that they had killed tonight floated back to the surface. A family that reminded him so much of the one they had captured right before Christmas, the family that had been fed to the werewolf. By then it was too late to stop as he remembered what he'd felt then, who he'd been, and he fell back down into that dark pit.

It was unclear to Severus how long he had been laying on the floor when he felt another presence in the room and heard Remus calling out his name. Feeling the defence teacher crouch down in front of him Severus kept his eyes closed. He didn't particularly want the werewolf's company at the moment.

"Severus?" Remus called again, softer this time. He sounded worried, but Severus couldn't bring himself to respond

"I'll get Poppy." The declaration shocked Severus enough to make him open his eyes and shake his head.

"Don't." He managed to rasp out. "It. Will. Pass." He had to take several shallow breathes between each word to have enough oxygen to speak. Remus looked at him with an uncomfortably knowing look.

"Panic attack?" Lupin asked. Severus closed his eyes.

There was no way he could answer the question. He might have admitted to himself that this occasionally happened, but he would never do so out loud. On the other hand he couldn't lie either. He had no ready explanation for why it would be something else, and speaking was practically impossible anyway. There was also the embarrassing revelation that he did not _want_ to lie to Lupin. Not that he wanted to tell him the truth either.

.oOo.

It came as no surprise to Remus that his implied question went unanswered. But then again; the silence spoke as clearly as a nod would have.

During the years when Remus had lived cut off from the magical community he had mostly earned his rent by substituting at an elementary school. One of the teachers that was absent the most was a woman named Sophie. Remus still remembered the first time he met her. He had been covering for someone else when she stepped up to him in the teacher's lounge and introduced herself, thanking him for taking excellent care of her class.

Sophie hadn't hesitated to tell him she was sick so often because of her anxiety disorder. She explained how she'd had it since her teenage years and that she refused to be ashamed of it. "I have a fault in my brain chemistry. It makes me worried and anxiety-ridden and occasionally gives me panic attacks but it doesn't mean I'm crazy." Remus had been slightly shocked by her honesty, but he'd also felt it was refreshing.

After that Sophie and Remus had spent many lunches and breaks together on the days they were both working. If she hadn't been twenty years older than Remus maybe something would have happened between them, but as it was they were only friends. When Remus first left to work at Hogwarts she had been about to retire and they lost contact.

For a split second Remus wished Sophie was around now to tell him how to deal with Severus. Having never been around for a panic attack before Remus could at least recall what she had said about them. How she could lay shaking on the floor convinced she was dying. How it felt like all the good things in her life just disappeared into a dark swirl around her. How she isolated herself when she really needed people the most.

Something inside of Remus told him that when people were feeling this bad you should really just pick them up and hold them close. Something also told him that Severus might have a bit of an adverse reaction to that. The few times he had been close to the man it had been brought by a sudden necessity that didn't exist here. No, he needed to find a compromise. It would be sad to destroy what Remus had spent so long working on by taking a too big step too soon.

"I..." Remus retook his opening and tried a softer approach. "Severus..." He hesitated again. "If it's okay I'm going to put a hand on your shoulder?" He didn't want to spook the man after all.

Carefully reaching out Remus felt a strong trepidation, he got the unwelcome image he was sticking his hand into a hornet's nest. For a short moment he almost retracted his hand, but the only other way of showing he was around was speaking. Considering how mined the ground between them was Remus preferred to be silent.

Suddenly angry with himself for his indecisiveness Remus placed his hand on Severus shoulder. Forgetting about himself for awhile he focused fully on the man in front of him. Severus was curled up on the hard floor, his laboured breathing jagged. The shoulder under Remus hand was tense enough to be shaking and he worried that his colleague would damage his teeth if he didn't stop clenching his jaws.

"Severus, I need you to try to relax." The black fabric was coarse under Remus fingers as he traced slow circles between his colleague's shoulder blades. "Just breathe okay. In through your nose and out through your mouth. That's right. In... And Out. In... And out."

The combined hand on his back and the soft words at least seemed to make a difference to Snape's condition. It was small, almost impossible to detect, but it was there and it gave Remus hope. So he continued with his calming gestures.

Not until Severus had relaxed and his breathing was back under control did Remus still his hand. Leaving it in place for a little longer he broke the silence that had settled over the room.

"You back?"

Severus seemed exhausted but nodded in response.

"You know, things like this never happened before you decided to put your nose where it doesn't belong." Snape's voice was hoarse. "I was fine before you had to come and mess everything up."

"Were you really? Fine before?" Remus asked, and the silence he got in return was all the answer he needed.

.oOo.

The stone floor had been cold and harsh against Severus thin body, not that he'd minded at the time. He could admit though that upgrading to his armchair by the fireplace had been a wise move. Remus placed a burning cup of hot chocolate in his hands, and he took it gratefully. Not that he let it show.

The smell of cocoa and cinnamon wafted up to fill his senses, dissolving the last of the swirling tumour that had settled in his chest. Severus closed his eyes for a second as he breathed in deeply. Beside him Remus sat in his usual manner, peacefully watching the fire, and Severus didn't know if he wanted him to stay or to go.

Everything had gotten so complicated lately, and Lupin was the one to blame. Severus didn't know what to think about what had been said earlier. He had been honest when he said everything was easier before, but maybe it had been just easier, not better. No matter how much he wanted to believe that everything was okay before he knew it wasn't. He hadn't been fine. But it hadn't been this bad either.

Earlier his life had been plain. He had been deep down, but he had been there so long he hadn't known the difference. It had been a constant sinking, but at least he couldn't really say that one day was worse than the one before. He had simply been trudging along, convinced that his life would never be any better. It hadn't been easy, but it had at least been predictable and straight forward.

Then Lupin had shown up. Of course it had to be on a night when he'd been crucioed until he couldn't stand, and of course the annoyingly righteous man had to _care_. Severus world had suddenly been turned upside-down. If everything had been a smooth slope down it was now a very confusing rollercoaster.

In average Severus' world was as grey now as it had been before Remus came along. The problem was that average didn't exist anymore. Now he had moments that could even be classified as bright, when he felt lighter than he had ever done, because he knew someone _cared_. But he also had moments that were far darker than his old memories, moments when everything inside of him felt like a broken chaos of razor-sharp shards.

So in the end Severus couldn't decide if he wanted Remus to stay or to go. For the man had brought him worse pain than Severus had thought possible, but he had also brought him some kind of hope.


	11. Chapter 11

AN: So we have reached it: The final chapter. I'm honoured by the response I've gotten for this story, thank you everybody! After this there will only be a short epilogue, then the story will be completed. Now I will stop bugging you and leave you to read. Love /ThosePreciousWalls

.oOo.

He doubted that he would survive the night. But should Pomfrey get a hold of him he _knew_ he wouldn't survive the night, and that was the only thing that kept Snape moving. It was too late for potions or antidotes. Too late even for bezoars and spells. Any kind of magical intervention now would kill him.

Severus felt cold. He knew his walk could only be described as stumbling. The world around him turned greyer and tunnel vision was setting in. He needed to reach his chambers.

.oOo.

Looking up from the essay he was correcting Remus found that Snape had almost made it back to his quarters. The small dot moved slowly, stopping for a few seconds and then starting again. It reached its destination and stepped inside, only to stop again. This time it remained still.

Jumping into action Remus grabbed his wand and set off at a run. The air in the hallway was chilly in his thin shirt but he didn't give any heed to it. Something was wrong, he knew it. This didn't fall within the routine, Snape should be moving away from his door. Worry was churning inside him, driving him to run even faster.

Urgently taking every shortcut he could think of Remus prayed he wouldn't meet anyone. Not until he reached the dungeons did he slow down to a fast walk, his heartbeat loud in his ears. No matter the situation, he couldn't allow the risk of someone seeing him rushing to Severus rooms after a meeting.

When Remus knocks went unanswered he stretched for the doorknob. Touching it he was met by the tingling sensations of active wards and he felt real desperation settling in. He would need all night to break through the potions master's wards, and there weren't time for that. The only faster way was to get Dumbledore, and that would be a huge betrayal towards Severus. For lack of better ideas Remus tried to open the door despite the wards, and almost fell over from chock as it worked. _Had Severus keyed him into his wards?_

Only a sliver of the room was visible before the door met a soft but unyielding resistance. Being a thin man Remus managed to slip inside just barely, where he found that the resistance was the unmoving form of Snape. He had suspected as much.

"Severus!" Remus reached down to shake the man's shoulder, and to his surprise dark eyes fluttered open. "What happened?"

"Poisoned." Remus' blood ran cold at the single word, there was no way he could fix this. He had just decided to floo for help, and was starting to stand when his colleague stopped him. "Don't. There's nothing they can do. Any magic now will kill me for sure." Severus voice was weak.

"I..." Remus stopped, unsure what to say. Instead Severus took over.

"Promise me: No healers, no Pomfrey, no people at all. And no magic." Snape raised his head to stare at him and Remus didn't know if it was in a pleading or demanding way. He suddenly felt faint himself.

"What can I do?" He could hear how unsteady his own voice was.

"Promise me!" Snape hissed.

"Okay." Remus took a deep breath, knowing he might come to regret this. "I promise. Now, what can I do?"

"Nothing." Severus lowered his head back to the floor and his words were hardly stronger than a whisper now. "Now we can only wait and see, either I will make it or I won't." The man closed his eyes.

Remus raised a shaking hand and pressed his fingertips hard against his forehead. His colleague seemed calm enough about his own possible demise, but there was no way Remus could feel the same. Severus might die. Here, tonight, with only a childhood enemy for company.

It seemed so unfair he wanted to scream, and maybe break something. He wanted to grab Severus and drag him to Saint Mungo's and force them to save him. But he had promised not to. No people, no magic, and Remus would be damned before he broke the promise he had made to a potentially dying man.

Inhaling slowly through his nose the werewolf focused back on the man before him. Severus was shivering with cold and the floor couldn't be comfortable. He wondered how many times the spy had lain like this before, too weak to move away from the cold hard stone, waiting to see if he would survive the night. Alone.

This time was different though, Remus realised. Severus wasn't alone. He might not be able to do anything about the poisoning, but he could still get his colleague off the floor. He could show there was someone around who cared.

"Let's get you somewhere more comfortable." A small grunt was the only reaction to Remus' soft words. Reaching down he placed one arm just below Severus shoulders and the other at the fold of his knees. Judged by the shivering he had thought that the man was running a fever, but instead Severus felt cold to the touch.

Remus had never been a big man and it was hard to get to his feet with the additional weight of his colleague dragging him down. Once upright Remus realised he wasn't strong enough to carry Severus all the way to his bedroom in one go. The sofa would have to suffice.

The way he deposited Severus on the piece of furniture wasn't as gentle as Remus would have wished, but at least he'd made it. Once he'd gained more space by removing the back cushions he figured it worked well enough as a sickbed.

It felt weird to enter the small bedroom. It seemed inappropriate to snoop around in there with its inhabitant unconscious on the couch, but Remus needed to find some blankets to keep Severus warm. Not wanting to rummage through the closets unnecessarily he removed the black bedspread to grab the duvet and pillow from the bed. Just as he was leaving he changed his mind and took the bedspread with him as well.

Placing his loot in one of the armchairs Lupin untangled the duvet and brought it over to Severus. The man seemed to be asleep, not unconscious, if the way he relaxed a little at the warmth was any indication. After bringing the pillow and bedspread as well Remus untied Snape's shoes and tucked his feet up on the sofa. He hoped the other man wouldn't mind.

The kitchenette felt familiar and calming after so many nights making hot chocolate on its stove, even if Remus only made one cup this time. Not sure if his promise meant he wasn't to use magic on Severus or if he wasn't to use it at all Remus decided on the latter and moved his armchair manually. It felt better to be safe than sorry considering the possible repercussions.

The room was warm and Remus didn't realise he had almost fallen asleep until he felt his now empty cup land in his knee. Jerking awake he immediately felt guilty, a feeling that only eased when he saw that Severus was still breathing. The man seemed cold again, but no more blankets were to be found and he didn't dare to leave to fetch some from his own rooms.

Remus seldom drank coffee, but he needed a strong dose of caffeine to keep him awake. Friday evening had long since passed into Saturday night but he didn't dare to sleep when a fatally sick man might need him. What if he missed a turn for the worse and woke up with a dead Snape in the room?

.oOo.

The sound of Remus turning yet another page cut through the silent room, the book he had borrowed wasn't as bad as he had thought it would be. Wait; it cut through the silent room. _Silent._ Remus hurried to his feet.

For the last six hours Snape had never been silent. First there had been nightmares, not violently loud but clearly discernible. Waking Severus had proved impossible in his weakened state so they both had to suffer through them. As the night grew older the dreams had given away to the clattering teeth and shaking of someone who's incredibly cold. Severus had never been completely silent until now, and to his horror Remus realised he had no idea how long had passed since the noises stopped.

What little colour had been left on Severus' cheeks was completely gone and his lips had taken on a blue tint. As far as Remus could see the man wasn't breathing. When he reached out to feel for a pulse Remus' fingers only registered how cold the skin on Severus' neck was.

Remus felt bile rise in his throat. This wasn't the first time he had been around the dead body of someone he knew, yet this was somehow different. Those around him who had died young had done so in battle, when the adrenaline was running so high it took the edge of it. Their dying had been quick and dramatic and usually part of a complete mayhem. It had somehow seemed further away than this man who slipped away over several hours in his own home.

A minute throb had Remus whipping his head up fast enough to make his neck hurt. He hoped to detect another one but no pulse could be found. Maybe it had just been his imagination playing tricks with him.

'Hypothermia can cause a person to appear clinically dead. The low temperature combined with the weak, slow pulse and undetectable breathing make people believe the individual is already lost and as such they don't get the treatment they need. Never declare anyone dead until they're warm and dead.' Remus had a feeling he'd pulled that up from one of the survival shows he sometimes watched on the television and at the moment he couldn't be more grateful. There was still a fragment of hope.

Still the question remained of how to get Severus warm. Remus had already covered Severus in all the blankets he could find (as well as a heavy robe), but apparently that wasn't enough. An outside heat source would be needed. The fire was magical, and as such Remus would need to use magic to get any more warmth out of it. The couch was standing on a rug and would not be moved closer to the hearth by hand. What could he do?

The answer came to Remus with surprising ease, making him thank those muggle TV shows for a second time. _He_ was an outside heat source, with the perfect temperature to warm Severus without risking to injure him. It was a plan that could go sour in more ways than Remus wanted to think about, so he tried not to.

Remus kicked of his shoes and crawled under the blankets behind Severus on the couch. He laid down with his chest flush against his colleague's back and even brought his arms around the man to hold him closer. The thought that he might very well be snuggled up next to a dead body made him slightly nauseous, but Remus had no choice. He knew that he would never forgive himself if he didn't at least try to save Snape in every way he could. Unfortunately this was the only way at his disposal.

The horizontal position made Remus realise how tired he was. By now the students would usually be trickling down for their Saturday breakfast and he hadn't slept since yesterday morning. He fought to stay awake, it felt irresponsible and wrong to fall asleep in such a situation, but eventually fatigue overtook him none the less. The last thought that Remus managed was that he hoped he wouldn't wake up next to a confirmed corpse.

.oOo.

A feeling woke him, something was wrong. At first Remus couldn't properly identify it, the sheets didn't smell like they used to and the pillow felt weird but that wasn't it. As he fought his way into consciousness he recognised the itchy sensation of being watched. Prying open his eyelids Remus found the reason for his concern. Dark, emotionless eyes were indeed staring at him.

"Out of concern for our students I have to ask if this is a habit of yours? Taking advantage of the unconscious, sneaking into bed with them?"

Remus didn't know if he should cry or laugh at what he was beginning to see as a display of humour. Admittedly a sarcastic, snarky and often downright mean sense of humour, but funny none the less once you recognised it for what it was. He settled on doing a bit of both.

Severus was alive. Well enough to be condescending apparently. He was sitting in the chair Remus had occupied during the night, obviously still cold but very much _not dead_. The potions master had grabbed the bedspread from the couch and had it wrapped around himself, only the sour head and a pair of unshod feet sticking out. It made a rather unusual picture.

Tears were leaking from Remus' eyes, pooling in his ears before soaking into the pillow on the sides of his head. He couldn't even bring himself to care that Severus saw him crying, it might even be about time he returned the favour. Not until then did Remus realise how tense he had been, how sure he had been that his colleague wouldn't make it through the night. Merlin, he had even begun planning how to break the news to Dumbledore.

"Sad I made it?" Severus raised a single eyebrow and looked pointedly at Remus. It was impossible to tell if the question was genuine or ironic, and as such Remus answered truthfully.

"No, not at all. I just... How much do you remember?" The werewolf sat up and grabbed one of the back cushions and returned it to its place for support. Severus looked surprised at the question.

"Not much." He sounded reluctant and for a moment Remus was sure nothing more would be said, then Severus continued. "I remember you showing up, and the promise you gave me. I got dumped quite unceremoniously on the couch and I felt incredibly cold. That's what I remember most strongly, how cold everything was, and how I tried to wake up but couldn't."

The reason he had tried to wake up hadn't been said, but Remus could guess it was the nightmares.

"This morning I was certain you'd died." Severus' eyes had trailed off during his recounting, but they snapped back to Lupin at the confession. "It wasn't just that you felt cold, you really were cold. I mean, at first it wasn't so bad. I thought you had a fever when I found you. Obviously I couldn't check your temperature properly without magic but you felt a little cold rather than hot so I figured it was fine."

"Once I got you a blanket it got better. You dreamed for a while, and I tried to wake you but, well..." Remus could tell Severus knew that he knew about the nightmares, but he let it go for the moment. "Anyway you got cold again pretty soon, but you had all the blankets I could find and I'd promise not to use magic. It seemed to get worse, you were shaking bad, teeth clattering, the whole works. Then sometime this morning I suddenly realised you had gone quiet."

It was Remus turn to look away now. He held his arms crossed protectively over his chest, not all that keen on continuing. However Severus deserved to know what had happened.

"It's... You were dead." Risking a glance over at Severus Remus was met with a calm gaze and a lifted eyebrow. He swallowed and continued. "At least that's how it seemed. You weren't breathing, I couldn't find a pulse and your skin felt like ice."

"Hypothermia." Severus stated with a calm that Remus certainly hadn't felt at the time, that he still didn't feel as a matter of fact. "Interesting." For a short second Remus felt like punching his colleague in the face.

"Yes very." It came out as bitterly as it felt. A small crease appeared between Severus eyebrows that Remus didn't have time to read before it disappeared. "The thought of hypothermia came to me too eventually, and I decided it was worth a shot. It was _interesting_ to realise that possibly you weren't already dead, just as it was _interesting_ trying to figure out a suitable heat source around here that's not activated by magic. Most _interesting_ of all though, do you know what that was? The realisation that _I_ was the perfect source of heat, and the feeling when I laid down next to what I could only pray was you and not your corpse." For the first time in his life Remus saw Snape looking genuinely surprised.

A voice in the back of Remus head told him he was overemotional, probably due to exhaustion. But the fact was he still shuddered to think about how cold Severus had been and what he would have done if the man was still dead by now.

"I'm sorry." The apology sounded strange, coming from Severus of all people, but that only made Remus appreciate it even more. "Interesting was a poor choice of word, I saw it from a purely scientific point of view." Severus took a small break. "And thank you... for saving my life."

Remus gave the spy a small smile. "You're forgiven, and welcome."

.oOo.

He was back in the kitchen, stirring the heating milk to keep it from burning. Habit had driven Remus to prepare hot chocolate for them, and Severus sure looked like he could use a warm drink. It was past lunchtime but he couldn't bring himself to eat anything, the hot chocolate would have to do for sustenance.

"You're not an occlumens." Severus voice carried easily in the silent room, he sounded thoughtful.

"No I'm not, why?" Remus kept his back to the potions master, hoping to keep the man speaking.

"Maybe you should consider learning. It was just a matter of luck that the Dark Lord didn't look into your mind when he caught you." Remus understood what he was getting at. Should anyone look through his thoughts at this point Severus would die a horrendous death.

"I probably should." Remus agreed. The silence stretched for a few seconds before Severus decided to continue.

"Yesterday before going to the meeting I drank a potion. A completely untraceable agent that I sometimes take before gatherings to stabilise my mind." Remus almost held his breath, Severus appeared to be willingly explaining what had happened last night.

"It has a bit of a disadvantage though, which is why I only use it when absolutely necessary: It reacts unfavourably with almost every healing potion in existence. With exception of a few close calls it has always gone fine, up until yesterday. I received an injury and the Dark Lord ordered me to take a potion to heal it. Saying no would have been a certain death sentence. I was lucky to be able to leave before the poisoning had spread far enough to show."

The milk was already warm and Remus had turned the stove off but he kept stirring it. He didn't want to risk breaking the spell and stop Severus from telling him what happened. This was a huge sign of trust, Remus had just been given information that would easily get Severus killed if it got out. Maybe next week he could find the time to get some books on occlumency.

"The potions that I took have a rather uncommon effect together, apart from making the ingester severely weakened and apparently potentially hypothermic. The poisoning will suck magical energy from any spells or potions used on the subject. Instead of diminishing it will grow stronger and is as such guaranteed to kill the victim. If a healer gets a case of undeterminable poisoning they will try to counter it, in this case that would only make it worse."

Remus wondered if Severus expected him to respond in any way. It seemed impossible to come up with a decent thing to say in return that wouldn't become either estranged or prying. When it became obvious Severus was done talking Remus poured the chocolate into two cups.

.oOo.

Reaching out into the chilly dungeon air was in no way pleasant, but Snape did it gladly as he accepted the hot beverage. He was still freezing, probably a degree or two below what was healthy, and a warm drink should do him good. While Lupin was preparing the chocolate Severus had switched chairs to the one by the fire and the werewolf was now moving the other seat up to his side.

None of them spoke and Severus closed his eyes for a second, revelling in the radiating heat from the cup. He couldn't help but wonder why he had volunteered all that information. Maybe it could be blamed on a temporary insanity caused by the night's events, because it was utterly insane to trust anyone with that kind of information. Especially when that person wasn't even an occlumens.

Memories of waking up still assaulted Severus senses. It had been one of the few times when he wished he could have slept longer, but it would not be done. He'd woken from his body shaking without even noticing how cold he was until after a few seconds. The only sensations he had been able to take in was how safe he felt, how warm his back was and how feeling Remus breathe was so tranquilising it almost hurt.

Severus had wanted so bad to be able to go back to sleep. To allow himself to slip away into that feeling and get some decent rest for once, but the shakes and the cold kept him awake. It didn't take long until the comfort was switched into worry that Lupin would stir as well. Severus didn't want to be found awake, staying at his own accord. That might make the other man think he was appreciating laying like that. So Severus had forced himself away from the warmth and over to a chair, carefully bringing his bedspread without waking his colleague.

If it was one thing Severus wanted right now - apart from the Dark Lords demise, him not having joined the Death Eaters and other such silly, impossible things – it would be to be able to go back. The fire, the blanket and the chocolate did some good in warming him but it didn't go all the way. It lacked the internal warmth of someone holding him close.

Severus wrenched his thoughts in another direction. There were things that he should have done that had been postponed now, and he wondered when he would have time for them. Until he stopped shaking he couldn't correct homework, and brewing was probably out of question before Sunday afternoon when the last remnants of the poisoning were gone for sure. Nightmares wouldn't be a problem next week since there would be no time for sleep. Just yesterday evening he was supposed to at least have corrected the fifth years' papers, brewed Pepper Up and Skele-Gro for Pomfrey, and made Wolfsbane for Remus.

Out of all the possible topics that Severus could have brought up reminding Lupin of the overlooked Wolfsbane wasn't one of his favourites, yet it had to be done. Since one dose had been missed there was no point in taking any of the remaining doses this month.

"You missed your Wolfsbane." Severus could see the small wince that his comment caused.

"Oh, right." Lupin sounded resigned. "Well it's not your fault, shit happens." The forgiveness meant more to Severus than he wished to admit, even if he had a harder time forgiving himself. He should have brewed the potion before the meeting.

"You can't remain in the school for the full moon without it." What Severus really wanted to say was _where will you go_ but it didn't come out as a question. Remus seemed to understand him anyway.

"I still own my parents old house. It has a..." Remus was obviously searching for a word. "...cage..." He looked slightly embarrassed. "...in the basement, I can go there. It's soundproof and the door can only be opened with human hands so it's safe."

Severus took a slow breath, doing his best not to think about how many times Remus must have locked himself in that cage. The word soundproof rang through his mind and before he knew it a question slipped out.

"Does it hurt?" Remus looked like he needed some clarification. "The transformations."

"Yes." The way Remus suddenly wouldn't meet his eyes told Severus more than the word itself.

"Is it any better with the Wolfsbane?" Severus told himself that the question was purely scientific.

"Yes, no, it depends." Remus was still focusing on the fire. "I mean, the transformations hurt just as much, physically, but at least I don't feel like I'm losing my mind. With the potion I also know I won't injure myself so in that sense it hurts less."

Then and there Severus decided that even if Dumbledore no longer forced him he would still provide the man with Wolfsbane. He knew that the price for the doses out on the market was far higher than Remus would ever be able to afford, but the ingredients were cheap enough. It didn't even take that long to brew, for those who were able to do so.

The silence started to spread between them again and Severus took the chance to have a sip of his chocolate. It was just over lukewarm.

"The nightmares, they weren't caused by the poisoning, were they?" Lupin's question made Severus feel incredibly uncomfortable. He didn't wish to talk about his dreams with anyone but it had been a strange day. Lupin had cried, and answered Severus' intrusive questions, and Severus had already told the man way too much.

He still remembered the vehemence of Remus' reaction to his casual attitude towards the hypothermia. Severus hadn't realised that the man might care that much if he lived or died. Somehow that realisation had changed things enough to make him answer Remus now.

"No." Severus admitted, and it was his turn to lock his gaze to the orange flames.

"You have them often?" Remus voice was soft, making it clear he didn't expect an answer.

"Yes." The confession felt surprisingly good as it fell from Severus' lips. His colleague must have taken the answer as a sign that he could probe a bit further.

"You must be tired." Remus stated. "When was the last time you got a full night's sleep?"

Severus closed his eyes for a second, pretending that he had to think about it. He didn't, he knew exactly when he had last slept a full night. The question was if he wanted Lupin to know.

"Christmas." Severus finally said, and he felt ashamed to hear it come out hardly stronger than a whisper. He didn't specify it more than that, but he knew that Remus understood.

It was unfortunate that Dreamless Sleep was so addictive. Not even Severus had managed to find a less hazardous formula and he had spent a lot of time trying. As it was the potion could only be taken under extraordinary circumstances, more than twice a year was heavily frowned upon by the healers. The false peacefulness was a sure, fast way to short circuit the brain and cause irreparable damage. Dreaming was after all the mind's most important coping mechanism.

Remus yawned and Severus took that as a promise there would be no more questions. The other man looked beat, a night with too much worry and too little sleep had obviously affected him. For a short second Severus thought about telling Remus to go home and get some sleep, but he refrained. After all his colleague had done for him it would probably be the correct thing to do, but Severus couldn't bring himself to drive the man away just yet.

It didn't take a healer to understand how close to dying Severus had come tonight, or yesterday night as it was now way past lunchtime. Though he loathed admitting it Severus still felt unhinged, almost frightened. His own demise was something he had come to terms with, at times to even long for, but he feared what would happen to the Order if his work was discontinued. He feared that the war would be lost and that all he had lived through would have been in vain.

Another worry hid in the shadow of his greater fear of the light side losing this war. It was one he did his best to pretend didn't exist, but at times that was near impossible. Severus worried that all he would be remembered as was a traitor and a Death Eater. He told himself that it didn't matter, that he knew the truth, but at times he couldn't hold that mindset together. So he didn't ask Remus to leave, because as long as the man was around Severus was reminded that there was at least one soul who saw him as more than that.

.oOo.

No more than twenty minutes had passed in silence before Remus fell asleep. The dark blue cup he had been drinking from was balanced precariously between Lupin's right hand and the armrest of his chair. Severus rose gingerly, waiting for a moment as the world righted itself. He was still cold and weak but at least it was going in the right direction. Carefully liberating the endangered cup Severus brought it over to the sink.

A small tremble worked its way through Remus and Severus realised he wasn't the only one who felt cold. The other man was only wearing a thin shirt, no robes or sweaters were in sight so they must have been left behind in Remus' quarters. From experience Severus also knew that exhaustion could make one cold no matter the room temperature.

Crossing over to the couch Severus picked up the discarded comforter that laid there. He hesitated for a second, but then spread it over the sleeping man. No one had seen the gesture, and though Remus might understand it when he woke up Severus knew the man wouldn't mention it. Besides, it could always be blamed on the fact that he'd wanted silence from the clattering teeth.

Severus estimated thirty minutes to an hour before he would be able to suppress his shivers enough to write scathing remarks on his students' homework with his usual flowing script. Hopefully Remus would remain asleep until after Severus had relocated to his office, and then he could simply work on correcting essays and planning lessons until he was sure the other man had left. He couldn't do any practical work until tomorrow anyway.

Common sense told him that sleeping would be the most effective way for his body to recuperate, but Severus stubbornly disagreed. He was in no mood for more nightmares at the moment, and he could be useful soon enough. For the moment though, he was content where he was. Sitting wrapped in his bedspread, gazing at the fire and listening to Remus' soft snores.

.oOo.

AN: Reviews make me a very happy girl :)


	12. Epilogue

AN: Here we are, Breathe is finally completed. I don't even know what to say, how to thank all of you who have read this, marked it as a favourite, followed or reviewed. It feels weird that it's over, I'm at the same time sad to let Breathe go and ready to move on to new projects. The epilogue took longer than I planned, but it's also twice the intended word count so maybe you'll forgive me.

Thanks again for your support, it has meant more to me than you can imagine. This final chapter is dedicated to all of you. Love /ThosePreciousWalls

.oOo.

Severus recognized that his choice of location might not be ideal considering the mood he was in. Death was no more than a breath away, a tumble towards the ground and then it would be over. The thought of taking the step was appealing but his self control prevented any such rash actions. He still had a duty to fulfil.

The grey not-quite-darkness of the clear July night dimmed the colours he knew to be around him, yet allowed him to see clearly enough. Hogwarts was spread out beneath him, only the astronomy tower reaching further from the ground then the steep roof he was seated on.

It was the summer holidays, and the castle was dark and desolate. Everyone who had anywhere decent to go had left, meaning there were only three souls around at this point; Hagrid, Severus and Remus. Even Filch had set out vacationing somewhere. Severus couldn't help but wonder if Remus had stayed only to keep an eye on him. He hadn't confronted the man about it, and wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer anyway.

On the other hand Remus might be at Hogwarts for the same reasons as Severus himself. Sure, the house at Spinner's End was his to use, but he preferred not to. It had too many ghosts from his childhood. Maybe Remus felt the same about the house he had inherited. Or maybe he just stuck around because he didn't think he would get Wolfsbane from Severus otherwise.

A steady wind tore at Severus and he was beginning to feel cold, but he couldn't bring himself to dig out his wand and do something about it. He didn't care enough. He didn't even care that he should have his wand ready in case he slipped, that right now he had no chance of saving himself should something happen.

In a way he hoped that the chilly fingers of the wind would make him sick. Double sided pneumonia preferably. Then no one could question that he had to take a few days to rest, and he should be sick enough to take his attention away from the hollow feeling residing in his chest.

Severus was more than tired; he was beat, exhausted, weary, hardly functioning anymore. He was beginning to feel afraid that his brain would soon be unable to sharpen up enough for meetings. If he wasn't completely aware in the presence of the Dark Lord jumping off this roof would be a dream scenario for his death. A slender hand found its way to the hairline and tangled itself in the dark strands, pulling them hard enough to sting. Merlin, he wanted to sleep.

It wasn't like Severus hadn't tried. No more than an hour ago he had been lying in bed, hoping for some rest, when it snuck up on him. Every breath had increased the dark, empty, twisting, hurting turmoil that Severus had yet to find a name for. Not long had passed like that before Severus had thrown on a robe, desperate to get away. He might not be able to escape his own company, but at least he could escape his rooms.

Nights like this one were becoming far too frequent for Severus' comfort. He'd never had an easy time sleeping but somehow it had become worse. Or maybe it had just been an issue for longer than ever before. In the last war he had only started spying about a year before it ended, this time he had been in the game for two full years and it didn't seem to be over anytime soon.

More than six months had passed since Christmas, and Remus had been with him after practically every meeting since then. When asked Remus had revealed that he had a charm set up that notified him when Severus left the school grounds. He never told the specifics but Severus guessed there was something more to it. Encasing all of the school in one monitoring charm was complicated and draining, but the charm wasn't aimed directly at Severus either. If it had been he would have been dead the moment he walked into a meeting with an active tracking spell on his person.

Whatever the specifics of the charm, it apparently had no way to detect nights like tonight. Providing of course that Remus would care enough to come if he knew, but somewhere deep inside Severus had begun to believe that maybe he did.

Earlier that night, when he had been restlessly turning in bed and trying to push the anguish away, Severus had stooped to a fantasy. It had turned up as Remus' invasion into his life had become something lasting, and by now the hallucination was beginning to look alarmingly like a habit. He couldn't help but wish Lupin was around, knowing that his mere presence would have helped calming him. That Remus would just show up, like he did after meetings, not taking no for an answer.

Often he even envisioned himself going to Lupin. He had a clear picture of how he knocked on the man's door. Remus would open, and it would only take a look for him to understand. Stepping aside he would let Severus into his (probably horrendously Gryffindorish) quarters. What would happen after that was always vague, but there would be company and hot chocolate and that was enough, more than he could wish for really.

A small sigh almost made its way out of Severus chest, but he managed to stop it before it reached the surface. Such mundane, easily read gestures were not fitting for someone in his position. He should not allow himself to get lax, not even in solitude. Bad habits had a way of sneaking up on you at the most inopportune times.

The wind had cooled Severus down considerably and he could feel his muscles tensing up. It was incredibly irresponsible staying this long. His motor skills should already be affected and he still had to climb back through the window. Putting his life at unnecessary danger like this was really unforgivable, he was still needed in the war. Who was he to put his own selfishness over the safety of others?

Carefully sliding down the rough stone roof tiles the robe clad man came to a stop next to the dormer window that would let him back inside. The next time he would go on stupid trips on rooftops he should really wear pants, they were far better for stunts like this. A mere three inches of roof stretched between his booted toes and the precipice in front of him. Any small mistake now could lead to certain death, but Severus was so used to those odds he couldn't even be bothered to bring out his wand for security.

Grabbing around the frame of the open window with his left hand Severus let his body swing down and around. For a second his centre of mass was far out over the abyss and Severus could see himself letting go, falling towards the ground and a quick end. Then he was inside, standing safely on the floor.

He was tired, that was all this was. Severus closed his eyes for a moment and took a few deep breaths as he cleared away the image of him letting go of that window-frame. If he just got a good night's sleep these impulses should go away, but he was just so tired right now. Decisively shaking the weak moment off Severus closed the window and started the walk back to his quarters, intent on giving sleep a second chance.

Sometimes the silence in the dungeons was the best thing Severus knew, but not always. Tonight it felt suffocating, like the air was pressing against him, making it hard to move and even harder to breath. He hadn't been back in his rooms for more than a couple of minutes before he had to leave again, or he would've gone into a full-blown panic attack. No rest would be offered there tonight.

For a fleeting second Severus thought about conjuring a sleeping bag and setting up camp outside for the night. Let the fresh air and the wind in the trees distract him enough to possibly fall asleep, but he knew it had no chance of actually working. Outside wasn't safe. Someone could sneak up on him if he let his guard down in a public place, and he had enough powerful enemies that he wasn't able to relax behind any wards that took less than a week to set up.

As he once again wandered through the hallways Severus _almost_ missed the students. He was glad not to risk running into teenage couples being indecent in abandoned classrooms, but he could have gone with a mischiever or two to deduct points from. It would have been something to keep him occupied. Now the corridors lay abandoned but for the echoing of his own footsteps and the faint light coming through the tall windows. At least that made it feel slightly less silent and claustrophobic than in the pitch black dungeons.

Severus stopped in front of one of the tall windows, placed his hand on the windowsill and deflated just enough for a little weight to be placed on them. If he focused on the glass he knew he would see his own image staring back at him, so he didn't. Outside on the grounds Hagrid's hut was dark, indicating that the half-giant was asleep. Severus wished he could do the same. He even contemplated taking Dreamless Sleep but decided against it. It was a dangerous path to walk down. The potion wouldn't give him enough rest with just one dose but it would make him want it again. No, not even Severus Snape was sure enough of his own self control to take that risk.

Forcing himself back into movement Severus drifted aimlessly through the school. He had been at Hogwarts long enough now to know that he wouldn't get lost no matter where he found himself. The only place he stayed clear of was the dungeons.

Time slowed and sped up at the same time, leaving Snape with no sense of how long he had been walking. Yet he thought that the sky outside had stopped darkening and was now growing lighter. Then he found himself standing still, staring at a piece of wood.

It was at the same time startling and anticipated to realise that the piece of wood was in fact Remus' door. Severus was exhausted enough that it clouded his judgement, and how many times hadn't he dreamt about going to the werewolf in some obscure hope that the man wouldn't turn him away.

Some unknown spell must have rooted Severus to the floor because he knew he should walk away, but he didn't. Over and over he just kept seeing the picture of himself, knocking on this door. How Remus would open, and it would only take a look for him to understand. How he would be let inside, and it would be a safe place, almost as warded as his dungeons, but not as quiet, not as oppressing and lonely. How maybe he could rest there, or at least drink hot chocolate and hopefully chase some of the worst ghosts away.

On the other hand Remus might not open, it was late after all. Or, even worse, he might open and tell Severus to leave. He might want to sleep on undisturbed and untroubled by his hopelessly needy colleague. There was an evident risk that Severus reached out here tonight, asked for help and was denied it. He couldn't help but wonder what that would do to him, how he would be able to handle that humiliating disappointment.

In the end Severus felt like he had nothing left to lose, except his sanity if he didn't get to sleep soon. Coming to the conclusion that he valued his sanity higher than his dignity, at least when it was Lupin involved, he caved. And so he raised his hand and knocked on the door.

Severus had no clue whether the knocks had been strong enough to be heard inside, especially if Remus was asleep, but it had taken all he had to raise his hand once and he couldn't bring himself to do it again. The moments passed by unbearably slow. How long was it even prudent to stand around waiting? Merlin, why was he even doing this?

Just as Severus was about to turn tail and run it became too late to escape. The door swung open to reveal a sleepy looking Remus, wearing a pyjama under his open robes and still rubbing his eyes trying to wake up. Severus hastily looked away, wishing he could just sink through the floor.

"Severus?" The confusion was evident in Remus' voice. "Has something happened? Did Dumbledore send you?"

"No. I just..." Severus broke off, appalled to hear how weak and gravelly his voice sounded and not sure what to say anyway. This wasn't going like it was supposed to, he shouldn't have come. "I'm sorry I woke you, I'll just leave." He backpedalled and turned away to leave, hating himself for the new pit that was opening in his stomach.

"What? Wait!" Remus sounded much more awake now and Severus stopped hoping that the man might not remember his slip of judgement in the morning. Just before Severus was out of reach strong fingers closed around his wrist.

"Severus, stop!" He did, but turning around to face his colleague (friend?) still proved too much. Sure that the other man couldn't see his face Severus closed his eyes as he braced himself for what was to come.

"What's wrong?" The question wasn't at all what Severus had expected, and neither was the way that Remus' voice had softened.

"I don't know..." Severus didn't know what had compelled him to answer, but this felt like his last chance and he had to take it. "Nothing, everything..." He didn't even have the energy to feel ashamed about how his voice was no stronger than a whisper and how it cracked over the last word.

"Do you want to come in?" There was a definite note of worry in Remus tone now.

A part of Severus wanted to scream _yes_ , and then ask what Remus thought he was doing here otherwise. Another part of him wanted to simply collapse in a heap on the floor and not have to think any more. The two men stood frozen for several long seconds before Severus finally managed to tilt his head in a small nod.

"You are always welcome. Come on."

Remus pulled his arm gently and Severus finally turned around. He could see Remus' bare feet moving to the side as the man left him room to step through the door. The hand around Severus wrist disappeared but he didn't want to run anymore. Instead he stepped over the threshold into Remus' living room, and for the first time that night he felt that things just might get - if not okay - at least a little bit better.

.oOo.

The End


End file.
